Our last letter to you

Well, the letters may end, but you will always be in our hearts as a family. You are a blessed little girl that has people on both sides of the world fighting for what's best for you. Today, is the end. Our agency has worked tirelessly and US government did as well. In the end, it came down to the orphanage to make the decision and they made it. They would not remove you from the home. God made it clear to us that you were not the child that needed us, but there is a child out there who does. Millions of broken children who need the love of a family - just waiting. Our love for you is apparent because we grieved this week like I've never had to grieve. I screamed, hyperventilated and cried for days. It was never about us. This adoption was always about you. We mourned for your say.. and you never got it. Love isn't selfish and we wouldn't partake in a custody battle - that would defeat the whole purpose of our adoption. We made it clear to the agency that they would have to make the call because we would never abandon you. Ever. So, today is a new day. We are healthy and trusting God's plan. We will always ache for you. You grew in our hearts for 10 months. It's like a preganacy that was overdue. You're gone, but never forgotten. we wish you the best. We never asked God"why" and we won't. Maybe our purpose was to be able to comfort others,such as Nancy did with me on the phone. After that call from a mother that went through this, clarity came. So, now the story is continuing, but this chapter is closed. We have a rainbow child out there that will appear after the storm. My biggest wish is to maybe meet you one day in heaven. I will pray that Christ makes a presence in your life and I get to be with you someday. I love you, Lily. Your name was based off of our worries and when we found your name, our worries about your adoption melted away. You grew our trust in the Lord. We smile when we think of how you changed us. You did much more for us than we ever knew possible. We grieved and fought and grieved and fought some more. Consider the lilies.... trust... always. I will trust that He walks with you in your life. We love you and hope you are a treasured daughter in China.

Love,
Your biggest prayer warrior

Reassurance

On Tuesday , we heard some disturbing news that you may not know you are being adopted. Then, we got another report that says you do. So, we aren't sure, but we will know when we get you! That was Tuesday and Tuesday was a hard day. Tuesday tried to steal our joy, but God showed out in an amazing way.

When we got our first update in March, we immediately asked what name you went by. They told us you went by Xin Li (which means new beauty) or Xiao Li, which Xiao means little and Li means beauty. So, we just call you XinLi or Lily,as a family. We planned on calling you by your given name for a few days upon our meeting you and gradually we will work our way to Lily. So, Tuesday night we heard that you actually are called "LiLi". We couldn't believe it. Pronounced "Lee Lee", it is so close to "Lily". This was definitely not a coincidence as God so clearly laid "Lily" on my heart. He basically chose this name for you. Of course, He knew all along!!!! Finding out about your nickname made all my anxiety melt.

You're ours. He knows.

He has us in the palm of His hands. Thanks to God for reassuring us, when He shouldn't have to reassure.
What a precious name. ....LiLi.

We love you and are daily praying for you as a family. May your heart be accepting and may we be able to keep in touch with your foster family of eight years - the only family you've ever known. We have also heard that they love you fiercely and are having a hard time coming to grips that they will have to say "goodbye" to you. It hurts me so deeply, but makes me so happy that you are already a treasured daughter, even if not legally. They love you and we are so blessed for that!!!

We will be leaving for China in 18 days and we will meet you 24. Unreal. We are so close to having you forever!

Until we meet,
Mama

Fish and seaweed and eel - OH, my.

We had a fantastic field trip at Cheekwood in Nashville Wednesday at the homeschool day.

We played in a waterfall, toured the former home, visited the art gallery, played in the awesome playground castle, learned about snakes, saw the most beautiful flowers, and ate hotdogs picnic style on the green grass with friends we ran into - what a surprise!!! :-).

After Cheekwood, we decided to go to the Asian market to help Joy have a taste of China and to pick you up a few staples to have around the house. Joy was LOVING this trip.

She picked seaweed chips, rice crackers, rice cookies, bamboo, canned sugar cane, noodles, corn puffs (and they really taste just like corn.. I had those in China and was surprised at the taste), longyan fruit, more seaweed chips (tastes like rotting fish to me, YUCK), pocky sticks, haw hamburger (this name kills me. It's a fruit cookie) and more and more. We then headed over to the FISH.

We wanted to get you a start on some canned fish.
We heard you like the fish and anything spicy, so of course we bought the spicy fish!

Meilin and Samantha told us eel would be popular, so we bought some of that, too.

GULP.

Joy would literally squeal when she saw something she had eaten before in China. She was a happy girl!
We Loved the fresh produce and now that I know this produce is safe, we will mainly go for it next time!

The seafood and fresh fish were a hit with the kids!

Thank goodness Joy didn't choose the preserved duck eggs, whole octopus or the instant jellyfish.
We are trying out VERY best to help Joy be surrounded by Chinese adoptees and to bring some comforts from her former homeland to help in this transition. We will do the very same for you. The other kids love learning about where their sisters came from. We are gearing up for Mid-Autumn moon festival soon. Hoping to go celebrate with other Chinese- Americans in Nashville, but it will be close to our travel date, so we will have to see how much we can get done before then. Our head is swirling with things to do before you get here.
We just want to drop everything and leave yesterday... Ha! we have decided to leave 4 weeks and three days from today! We are so excited and counting down the days- 37 to be exact until you're in our arms! We leave in 31 days!!! EEEEK!

We are ALMOST there,
Mama

Visas!!!!

FOUR little visas came in the mail this week to get ready to meet you!!!!!!!! We love you dearly, Lily!
All of our paperwork was picked up from the Consulate in Guangzhou today by our agency rep and overnighted to Beijing! We are now finally awaiting travel approval! When we get travel approval, we apply for our consulate appointment Ns depending when that is, is when we will leave. So close we are! After the CA is confirmed, we can book planes, trains and automobiles (and boats). Seriously, we will have a boat ride. Lol. We will be in taxis and I am hoping for a subway ride as well to seal the transportation deal. All that's left is a moped. 🤔
We are coming, Lily!!! We really are!!!

I dream of you...

It happened again. This was the moment I met you, in my dream. For some reason we were in the hotel lobby meeting and there were circular clothes racks. As soon as you saw me, you darted to the middle of the clothing. You were scared. You were deathly afraid of a man and woman, who looked totally different than your fellow Chinese villagers. You were so terrified of the language we were speaking in, while proclaiming adoration. You were terrified to leave the only family you've known since two. It was awful to leave your school and friends. It was so sad to leave your foster brother and sister. You couldn't imagine going to a country where they had nearly nothing of your foods you so love. The thought of all the familiar smells escaping and replaced with a smell of newness - horrific.

You came with nothing, but the clothes on your back. That meant you had to leave your favorite teddy bear that you snuggle with that has all your scents embedded into the fibers , your comfy jeans that fit just right and your one special dress that you felt like a queen while wearing.
You had to leave behind all the smells - your mom's perfume, your favorite smell of ham, baking in the oven, and the strong soy scent that lingers in the air. You had to leave all of your friends, you know, the ones you confide in to tell them how scared you are to come here. And you will leave your freedom. Yes, coming to America, and you will leave your freedom. You won't get to walk to the store alone, or down to the basketball courts. You won't get to walk to school, unassisted. You will leave everything you know it as yours and your way of doing things. My heart goes out to you.

You had to leave behind all your fears and lay them down. That's why you're my hero, you know. You only brought your bravery with you to head out with the new strangers that called you "nu er" (daughter) in their most broken Mandarin.

All of these things are conclusions that I've drawn from other children who've come home and talked about what they've left to gain so much. I don't know if you have a teddy or one special dress, but I know you are leaving a LOT.

Yesterday, we got word from our agency that your foster father, who is much older, passed away this week. So, now you will be grieving his loss and have to leave behind a foster mother who is alone and hurting. So much on your shoulders, Lily. He has been your dad for the last eight years. He is all you know as a father. The loss you've endured in your life is nothing less than tragic.

We we are praying you home as a family each day. We want you to flourish and be happy, find your purpose in life, come to know Jesus if you don't, and come to trust people that won't leave you - EVER.

You are our hero. We all agree on it.

Prayerfully,
Mama

We come bearing gifts - gold, frankincense and a wet brush

Waiting is hard. Waiting and knowing you're "thiiiiissss close" is even tougher! Tonight, while I should be sleeping, it is Tuesday at 1pm in China. We know the orphanage is going to your home "one day this week" to deliver your package and finish our update. How do I sleep, knowing that they could be showing you our family pictures any minute and clasping a special necklace around your neck? It's hard. Clasping that necklace is a mother's job. I should be doing that. Then in my selfishness I am reminded that you have a foster mother whose heart is probably being ripped out at the sight of our family. I am praying for peace for her. She can clasp it - she deserves it.

We have been trying to get a few things done off the list of things to do before we leave. Your sisters and brothers want to each have a gift for you, specifically from each individual child. So far, Anna, Ezra and Eli have some ideas, but Joy was SURE you needed a wet brush.

Yes. A wet brush.

How could I say "no" and taint that special gift from your sister? She wants your name on it as well. I think she adores your long hair and knows if her hair is a wreck to brush, that your beautifully thick hair will be even worse! Haha!!!!!
The other kids are really putting a lot of thought into this gift. I mean, it's a big deal - meeting your sister for the first time EVER? It's big.

I've been running through a crash course on my mandarin and I'm pretty sure I won't need to sentence "may I have a newspaper", but I am learning none-the-
less! Ha!!!

I am am also looking like crazy online for sardines in the Asian markets and your daddy brought home a ham to practice cooking.

No lie. A ham.

Because it's your favorite, we buy ham and practice cooking it. It's what we do as parents. When Anna was arriving, we tested out those strollers, grew fresh veggies and made baby food and made sure to wash your new clothing in dreft. Prepare - we had to prepare. Now we buy sardines, hams and yellow backpacks because yellow is your favorite. Oh, how times have changed.

We are preparing our home, hearts and family for you, Lily. Don't laugh at our Mandarin rubbish and please don't think we are crazy for bring wet brushes as gifts. I mean, Jesus was given myrrh- it could be worse.

❤️Mama

Well, here we go again!! Care package number 2

Today, I just had an breakdown. I am sick of tracking your package and refreshing my email to see if it has reached you. We hired one of my favorite companies to send you a care package. She has called the orphanage for us once and didn't even charge us, so we are so thankful for Ann. Ann works out of Guangzhou and has the business that does so much for families and waiting children. When there was a shortage of formula in many orphanages,  She donated. She sends things quite frequently from what I hear. She has this neat business that caters to many needs. She has things you can send your child such as snacks, quality tea and gifts to foster families and nannies, clothes, toys, pearls, jade, cakes for to celebrate a birthday or a family (!!!!!) and all kinds of jewelry for all kinds of budgets. When I saw this necklace, I knew it was the one . 

I wouldn't mind getting all of us girls one of these in Guangzhou. I know I'll revisit this photo many times just to imagine it hanging from your neck. It's perfect. 

Love. 

Love of a Father that you will be taught about,  love of a family, and love of FOREVER. 

We also sent 25 photos by email - Ann will have them printed and put them in this silk album. 

We also sent out a thorough letter that we sent in the package that never got to you. It tells about our daily life, special trips we take, what our trip will look like in China, and  how much we love you :-).  Three things in your new package. 

 

 Sigh.   

We sent you so much in that missing package, but for some reason I am so excited for you to get this necklace. In one of your photos, you are wearing a red thread necklace. I hope you feel like a queen when you clasp the chain of this special necklace. 

"Love". 

Such a simple word that we take for granted with each breath we take. 

We spoke with our agency this week. They followed up on your update. It's been two weeks since we sent our ten questions to China, requests for the photos and videos and measurements (even feet.. Because you need shoes).  I am totally thinking yellow converse Chucks :-).  The orphanage said that you lived in such a remote village, that they had to plan a day (and take a nurse to get a physical)  to go see you. They were planning on one day this week - and it isThursday  night here, Friday at lunch in China. So exciting! I am hoping we hear soon and I am praying for good answers on this update that shows me your heart is being prepared. Please, Lord, help my Lily!!!     

It is hard to concentrate on anything when half of your brain and your heart is in Zibo, China!  This shows exactly how you've stolen our hearts and we ache to feel close to you. I've had this on my phone for months and decided to check your Daddy's and he had it, too!!!! 😂😂

We imagine what we think you might be doing in the weather. How insane is this!?!?? 

We also have had the absolute hardest time buying you clothing. Of course you need winter clothes, but clothes to take to China is like daylight and dark, depending on which month we leave. Yes, I said "month."  We have a shot at leaving Sept 13 That is only four weeks and five days away (but who is counting, right? ) but if our paperwork even takes one day longer than it should, we probably won't be leaving then. Super tight race, but if we are meant to leave then, we will leave then. If we don't make it, two holidays mess everything up. Mid-Autumn Moon Festival and the National Week holiday shuts  things down and we can't go for several more weeks. The next time we could leave would be Oct 12. That's still so close ( 9 and a half weeks), but makes me sick that we would be sitting ready with all paperwork in and we  couldn't leave. Yuck! So, if we leave in September, you need summer clothes, if we leave in October, you will need long sleeve clothes. So, I fell in love with this dress and I bit the bullet and decided you could wear a cardigan (which we don't have yet) or maybe a blue jean jacket (that we Do have) . The knees of the leggings won me over and I just knew you had to have it. 

Oh, Man. Yellow converse won't go with that.. We have a problem. Lol! 

We are so excited to see you, whether it's four, short weeks or 9 of the longest weeks of my life. We have already started inventory of luggage, travel pillows and quick-dry clothing. (Since we have to hand wash in China and hang dry in humidity that's equal to home.) Taking so many of us, we will have a large "load" each night. I am NOT looking forward to that at ALL. All the wringing and scrubbing, while bent over a deep garden tub is less than luxurious, but I'm reminded that I will get plenty of rest once I'm dead. Haha  Today, we SERVE. :-).    Thank you, Jesus, for all of our blessings and for having complete control on how YOU want us to grow our family. 

We will meet soon, Lily Vanili!!!! 

Love, Mama 

P.s.   I know, right? Lily Vanili is the best 😂

珍惜女儿 treasured daughter

Wonderful adoption news always seems to come when we are at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital with your little sister. We first saw your photo there while we were inpatient with Joy's liver surgery.  Then, we got pre-approval to adopt you when we went back before Christmas for another surgery. Monday, while in the surgery center, we got news that our letter was issued for acceptance for us to adopt you!  What a wonderful thing to hear! We got this beautiful document scanned to us Tuesday and the hard copy will get here hopefully tomorrow.  It makes my shoulders release to hear the news.  Now we are getting travel emails and I am just staring at the letter and the screen on the travel. I mean, this is what we have waited on. Travel to you.. for so very long.  Our prayers are being answered and it is amazing!  All siblings are gearing up for you,  and Mama is getting a little nervous.  I am afraid Eli will wander off, Anna will be kidnapped, Ezra will be drowsy at night time (when we are out), Eli will starve, Joy will regress and be triggered by so much, you will grieve so hard, our rooms won't have a connecting door, kids will be restless on the 14 hour flight,  you will be frustrated by the language barrier and many other things I am sure will arise in my thoughts.  Then, I stop and think about why we chose the name "Lily" for you - Consider the lilies of the field, .................   He doesn't want us to worry. So, once again I get peace from such a special verse to me - one that spoke to me 8 months ago.  We just sent in our email to our case worker of our ten questions to ask you, your foster parents and your orphanage.  We hope to get these special answers back in a flash :)  Ha! that was a joke - everything is "hurry up and wait" in this adoption world  we are visiting.  We pray that you are being prepared for international adoption and that WE are growing in YOUR heart we want you to soon see our faces so that you can start to see us as your family. We love you and think of you every second of the day.  We pray for you together every single day. We hope to leave Oct 12 and get you on my birthday. 10 weeks from now we will be in China! We can't wait. We got our our luggage to inventory yesterday and will be taking inventory of travel clothes next. Yikes. This is getting real. I will be sitting on the couch and literally see you peek around the living room door frame with your smile. I had this vision of Joy when I looked into my backseat before she was home. Looking at her in that seat now is amazing. I can't wait to see you perk around the door way with your million dollar smile. You are worth every piece of paper we have filed and every dollar we have worked so hard for to get you gone. .. You're worth it and we haven't even met you. Imagine how loved you will be.  I'll tell you one thing for sure, you won't know that love until you have children of your own someday. Love you forever! 

                           Until we meet, 

                                  Mommy 

Forever and Always

Every day, The last few weeks, Joy has been asking to see your Daddy's wallet as soon as he walks in from work. We rarely have cash. I guess she thought Daddy got paid in cash every day. Each day she asked and we would giggle and show her an empty wallet until one day she said "but we HAVE to find money to get Lily!!!"  Oh, sweet sister is ready for you. She is ready to tell her "it's ok, Lily", while patting your back (her words) when we meet. We have explained that this might be very hard for you. Anna is in charge of fixing your hair (if you let her) and guiding play/keeping up UNO in China so we all can play. Ezra decided he would be over the balloons that we will play volleyball with in the hotel room (we have enough for two teams!). Eli will be over the bubbles. He wants to blow the first one! Mama will be the one slightly freaking out over FINALLY meeting my daughter after ten years, while grieving for your foster family who loved you and cared for you for 8 of those years. I will be utterly a wreck inside on that beautiful day we meet. We will grieve your losses as well as your foster parents' losses.  It will be a hard, beautiful day indeed. Daddy will be the one soaking it all in while having a pleasant smile on his face. He has stared at your photo so long. He cannot wait to wrap his arms around you. He found you and claimed you before he even showed me your photo. I have been preparing your bins of clothes and it's a hard task. We don't know how the weather will be since we will likely meet you in October, so for now, we are keeping the summer clothes and the winter ones out. I think we will get you here and decide what we need. I did this with Joy, but each day I wait on you, my vision of you gets bigger and bigger. You're the fastest growing gal on the planet - you are practically the Golly Green Giant!😁  The clothes I have, range from 10-14! I have no clue what size you are! Also, the idea of buying clothes for a tween, not knowing personality, is daunting. I am packing some cute Ruffles and some athletic clothes. You can choose and I promise, I will not be disappointed! I'm pretty sure your style is athletic because I know you like basketball and prefer playing with them boys. You enjoy running long distances and being active.  I still decided to buy you some girly, ruffly clothes because I know that Joy rarely got them and really liked to have them finally any day she wants to wear them. So, we will have both. We also just got you a shirt for adoption day if you like it. It sums up our feelings about you - you're in our family forever! 

As we are still waiting for LOA, we are praying continuously for some news this week. We are ready to get the final say from China and to hoping everything in our dossier was in perfect working order. On July 27th, it will be exactly 8 months since we saw your face and knew you were our daughter.  All the pain and stress is worth it to be your mama. 

                     We can't wait to meet you,

                                  Mommy 

So soon yet so far away

On day 7 of waiting for our dossier to be logged into the Chinese system, we got the call that it did!!! We are getting so close, yet so far away. We have taken great comfort in knowing it is always God's timing, not ours.  We think of you every place we go and pray for you every single day.  We have been busy preparing your siblings for the trip to China to get you. We have been over etiquette, how to treat you, how to walk down the streets, what to do/say when they are presented with a food they do not like, how to keep their belongings tidy in the room, how to help us wash clothes in a bathtub,   How to comfort you,  and how to travel on the trains, planes, and automobiles :-) (and boats!!! We will cover it all!) . It will all be interesting to say the least, but our main concern is you and your grieving. We want to comfort you and show you what our family is all about.  We are also praying that this trip isn't an emotional setback for Joy since she always seems to take two steps forward and one step back.  We are thinking about you, praying for you and preparing each other for the worst case of grieving.  It will be hard to watch because we will love you so much.  

I few nights ago,  I had the most amazing dream. I dreamt of you for a lengthy amount of time, I forgot many details after awaking a few hours, but I touched you and you felt real. You had such a gentle and sweet voice and I remember not getting too close so I wouldn't scare you. We were sitting on the bed playing Uno with the family in a hotel in China and right before I woke up I gently stroked your face. You were so real. It was just what I needed after a bout with some anxiety over your expected grieving.  My heart is so tender and although I've  been super strong this year (more than I ever could've been on my own)nothing hurts me more than to see someone else hurt. I feel all the feels. If you grieve, I will grieve. I am just blessed I will get to be the one to help you through it all. I am so thankful that I am your mama. Your package should be arriving any day now and I hope I get some photos of you receiving the package, complete with a photo book, a translated letter from us, pictures the kids drew you,  a purse, some candy, some hair pretties, bracelets, etc.   We hope you enjoy your box. Your yellow backpack came in today and we will bring it to China for you to use! We are getting the final things done and we will be there in no time. I am still wishfully thinking on making it mid- September, but if we come in October, we will likely get you on my birthday. It's God's timing. We are just doing what we can and handing it over to Him. Love you, Lily Lou! 

 

                                                                                            See you soon,
                                                                                                             Mommy

Your room!

We hope you like your new room! It was made with great love for you. I hope you let me lay in bed with you and stroke your hair. I hope you smile when I pray with you. We love you so much already! 

Love, 

Mommy

I wonder ..

I wonder if you are preparing your heart for "goodbye"?  Is it ripping your heart out? 

I wonder if you think about how weird our food will be?  Will you be open to try new things with excitement or angst?

I wonder if you have faith? Is it faith in Buddah or faith in Jesus? 

I wonder if your foster mom strokes your hair as she sits beside of you? 

Do you hope I will do the same? 

I wonder if you've ever swam?

Was it fun for you?

I wonder when your head meets your pillow, if your head wanders about life with us. Will you worry we will hit you?

I wonder if you are used to taking daily showers or you only have a quick once a week spray. How will this be different in American? Will you fight me on this?

I wonder if you've ever been showered with shown affection? Will a hug be so foreign that you push us away? Or accept it and feel a void filled if so? 

I wonder if you will know you're my baby?  Babies don't grow up to mothers. 

I wonder if we will have more dirty chopsticks in the dishwasher than forks? (Pretty close now😜)   

I wonder if the slow, country life will drive you crazy? Will you find peace in it?

I wonder if you will ache to go back to China? Will you love both countries and be content? 

I wonder if you think you're coming as a slave? Has someone told you that to scare you out of their jealously? 

I wonder if you will let Anna fix your long, beautiful hair as she's dreamt of doing for so long? Or you're such a tomboy you want no part in it? 

I wonder how you will feel when sent back to the orphanage a month before we arrive? Will they cut your hair? Will it give you peace that we are coming? Will it start your grieving without a mother's hand upon you? 

I wonder how you'll feel when you're delivered to our hotel room? Will you feel like an object dropped off on a doorstep? Or will you feel like a treasured daughter, who's the whole package, delivered to a mom, dad and siblings that have dreamt of holding you and playing together?

Time shall tell. We will get to ask you all of these things one day, but for the meantime, we have to swallow our pain, trust the Lord, pray a lot, and wait.  

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27:14 

我们爱你. We love you!

I find myself so content with this journey, having done it once and knowing each step that's approaching, but waiting on you is still excruciating at the least. I've found myself opening this blogger app to just sit and stare at a blank screen and cry. It's just such a hard journey. I've been trying to write this entry for weeks! 

A few weeks ago, Your Baba took the four kids on a guy's trip with his cousinand  sons to camp. I stayed behind to man the adoption auction we were having and to spring clean the entire house. When almost finished after staying up to sometimes 3am working for 3 days, I stood at my kitchen sink to grab a quick drink of water and something in me snapped. I'm not worthy of you.. Or Joy.. Or Anna.. Or Ezra .. Or Eli. How on earth and why did God bless me with you five, awesome children ? Why did God bless me with a husband that wouldn't bat an eye to take four kids camping? He packed Joy's medical supplies and didn't think twice. You have a great Baba waiting for you.  Standing at that sink, I wept and almost screamed at how wonderful God is:  then, I sat and calmly cried tears of grief for you. You will lose everything you know and love to come with us. You are my hero!  

We waited for three weeks to receive answers from you to some questions that we asked you. We finally received them Friday and, as a family, we were elated to get your answers! 

1. Your favorite color is yellow ✨💛✨

This is MY favorite color, too! What a happy color that truly describes what I hear is your personality - joy. 

2. What makes you smile? Traveling or visiting places. 🌴🏊

We love to travel and visit, so this was such a good thing to hear! You hopefully won't be as overwhelmed with going places like we are still preparing for. We can't wait to show you the ocean, creeks, lakes, mountains, museums, zoos, and waterparks. We can't wait to make up for such lost time. 

3. Foster brothers or sisters? You have a foster brother and a foster sister. You have  good friends and especially gets along with boys. 🤔.  

This sounds so wonderful, yet so heartbreaking. We were a bit nervous if you were an only child on how you would transition to such monkeys around here. It's good to know you know what having a brother and sister is like. On the other hand, I wept when I heard you had them because I know how much our children love their siblings and to potentially never see them again is a tragedy.  It's heartbreaking and sickening and I hate it. I've cried and cried knowing what grief your heart is already going through thinking about saying "goodbye". I especially loved the part about you loving to play with boys. When we look at your pictures with your limited information we have, we have created this picture of an athletic girl that isn't too frilly (this will be a first to me and I love this challenge and variety in children).  I secretly, so far, have shared this with Eli. He BEAMED with excitement and then told me everything he wants to play with you. You will be so close in age with Ezra (four months older than you) and I can see a wonderful friendship there. You both seem to have VERY similar qualities as one another. 

4. How do you feel about a family in America?  You know you are being adopted to America and have  mixed feelings because you love her foster family. 

This is a tough subject. While waiting on this update, Justin and I talked it over that if this update came back with the answer "she is excited" we would pretty much just rip this paper up. We would know that the orphanage was  lying  to us to make sure we came for you OR it would mean that you were in such a terrible home, that you would want to escape. In your file, it states how you are in an excellent home and they really care for you, so I felt pretty safe that it would've been an orphanange director lying if it came back positively. I loved it said that you are having mixed emotions. That is so healthy that you've attached to this family and love them. It also means that there is something inside of you that makes you happy about having a forever home. 

5. You are  on no medications and you are allergic to pollen. 😷. 

You're in good company with the pollen allergy. ;-) We know there are many unknowns with medical things in particular with adoption. We are prepared for anything, but so happy to hear you're not on any medicines. 

6. She accepts the name Lily XiLi 🌾

This made me cry. We were so conflicted at first to even give you a new name. You will have lost EVERYTHING so why change your name? The more we have read and educated ourselves, many older adoptees are embarrassed by their Chinese names when fitting in as an American. Many other adoptees wanted nothing to do with an American name, so they wanted to keep their Chinese name. So, we decided the safest bet was to give you both and let you decide what you wanted to be cald. We will see how that goes once you come home (as we will probably call you 'XinLi' while in China and slowly integrate Lily in the verbiage.   You will have a choice and you will decide - that's fair!  I was, however, elated that the name that was given to us so clearly as your name, has been accepted by you. It made us really proud that we chose a name for you that you liked.  We love your name and chose it with such a careful selection. It has a huge meaning and we love it's simplicity.

7. And last but not least... We asked you  what your   parents and brothers and sister could bring to you in China that would make you happy.   

You would like an iPad 😳

This is another tricky, tricky thing to explain to loved ones. Adoptive parents get it because most have been through this. We limit our kids screen time and settings are strict.  Your brothers and sisters cannot play anything until after school and only for a bit to unwind after the learning of the day.  We don't revolve our lives around electronics. We don't allow phones at the table - ANY table. When we eat at  a restaurant, we don't have our phones anywhere in sight. There is NOTHING more important at that time that the people gathered around that table. Our kids aren't old enough for phones, but we are training them for the future. We don't walk around carrying out phones and I've talked to them numerous times about other forms of ettuquette with electronics in public, such as talking on the phone in a store or such (they might miss an opportunity with others). So, we are very conflicted with electronics in our household. On the contrary, we are getting this iPad. Why? Because we have been educated on shutting down, over-stimulation and grieving in China. When times get rough there, we can pull out the iPad and let them escape for a moment. When we went to Nanyang SWI for your sister, we didn't carry any electronics - I don't even know if we had our phones. She was in such grief, reliving those days there, it would've been nice for her to have the ability to escape. It's totally out of our parenting ways, but parenting children from hard backgrounds is different at times. This is one of those times. As we transition home, we will teach other ways to cope, but it's a slow transition - slow is much better!!!! So, we are getting an iPad. It may be shared with the family, but we feel this is the right move to follow through with the one thing youve asked for. 

On April 30th, we got a huge surprise! Just when we were calm and not expecting an email, a very important one popped into our inbox. Our agency called us first and I missed the call because we were having school, then the email came into the inbox and I missed it as well. Finally I heard a text message and it was your Baba telling me to go check out your VIDEO. My heart flopped and flipped  and I started to shake. 

There you were.

Beautiful, shiny, healthy hair down to your bottom and the most beautiful smile that radiated from the inside. You were perfect. We watched that video on replay for a week. You are ours - we are so humbled. The kids screamed and jumped at a moving sight of you!!!

It's taken me since March 1 to finish this one post. I kept coming back to it and editing and then close it down. It wasn't because it was lengthy, it's just 

painful. I cannot explain the feeling of not having my daughter yet writing her. Hard times. 

In your video, you seemed to have been contest in your home with good surroundings. I have some peace deep within that you're being cared for well. I think it's a peace straight from Jesus. I don't know how I would handle knowing you were being neglected it abused. I'm thankful for this peace. We are working so hard to get to you. We just got our government approval to adopt you and we sent all of our documents off to Washington DC to be authenticated at the State Dept then Chinese Embassy. 

You are chosen treasured and loved from afar. You are our daughter, sister, granddaughter, cousin, niece, and  friend

Tomorrow the plan is to hang your artwork above your bed and your room will be finished! So, hopefully the next post is your finished room! We mailed you a box of goodies with a photo album and a two page letter. We didn't mail pics of your room - we want that to be a surprise!!!  

We are on track as of NOW for October, but we know anything can happen. We are trying our best , Lily! 

Wǒmen ài nǐ ( 我们爱你) ,

      Mommy 

                                  

The big double digits!

On  the night you were born,

The moon smiled with such wonder,

That the stars peeked in to see you.

And the night wind whispered 

"life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you, ever, in the world. 

For never before in a story or rhyme 

(Not even in a once upon a time)

Has the world ever known a you, my friend.

And it never will, not ever again.

Heaven blew every trumpet

And played every horn 

 On the wonderful, marvelous night you were born. -Nancy Tilman

10 years ago today was such a marvelous night that you came into the world, Lily. You will bring such love and wonder into our family. Come home, sweet girl,and we will celebrate each day! Happy Birthday to our daughter- YOU! 

You think I am a day late, but just after midnight happened to be my late bedtime tonight after a busy day! I thought of you all day today! We hope that you know how wonderful you are. I hope you foster family tells you how special you are each day! Happy ten years, Lily. I grieve not having you each day of your life and missing your "firsts", but we will celebrate all of your firsts that you have with us. We might even have to make up some silly firsts! Personally, I'm ready for our first HUG. 

                 Until we meet,

                       Mama 

You are worthy

You may have a Mama who will fail...a lot, but you have the best siblings and Baba waiting for you. Today, during writing time at school, Eli wanted to write about his dreaming of seeing you in China and wrapping his arms around you, but he said he just didn't have the words yet. :-).  Eli has a HUGE heart. In the last 6 months, he has blossomed into a totally different child; Attentive, dedicated, driven and supportive. He talked to me at length today about no matter how hard you would grieve, that he knew you would learn to like us because God sent us you.  What poetic words from a 7 year old boy. He isn't an ordinary boy - not at all!  He is a boy that won't do big things someday, he wants to do them NOW.  He aches for children without families, grown men without homes and lonely people living in nursing homes. Eli never forgets to pray, never leaves anyone out during play and always puts himself before others. He wants to adopt "when he is 16". :-)

Ezra is a compassionate brother with a soft heart, too. He has a gentle spirit with  a playful heart. He finds such joy in the small things, such as flying kites, jumping on the trampoline in the rain, shooting BB guns, and riding bikes. He loves big and is very loyal. He is the young boy who holds the door open while every person leaves the theatre.  He is the person who is quiet and a good listener. Ezra will protect you from anything he can. He is an awesome big brother! 

Anna is an old soul. She was 30 when she was only 3.  She never danced to silly songs at preschool, because she didn't like the attention it drew. She will stick by a siblings side in disparity, no matter the consequences. She smiles almost constantly, yet shuts down for photos. Photos are no good in her eyes. :-) 

She has an humble heart - one of the most humble that I've ever met in my life. She gave her life to Christ in August of 2015. She is unique. Anna doesn't care what is popular or what everyone else likes. She will like what she likes and show it proudly. She is my sweet little friend. 

Joy. Oh, little Joy. How she smiles and laughs and smirks and plays all day. I have to force tat child to learn her letters and make her stop learning her numbers.  She is her own person. Joy is dramatic and lively to say the least. She is the strongest person that I know. She is also my hero. I've never in my life used this word lightly, but she deserves the title. She has been through hell and back and still knows how to love, forgive and pull herself back up again. She is tough as nails. I wouldn't be surprised to hear  that Chuck Norris was her bio father. :-)  Joy knows Jesus' love even when she has been in more trenches than anyone that I know. She is bright, smart and her light shines. She saves gifts for you daily (some I have to sneak out of the drawer because they are perishable items.) She understands your pain, Lily. 

I look forward to the day that I can write about your heart. I can't wait to know your quirks, talents, passions and personality. You are a treasure, Lily XinLi, and you'll never forget that once you are home. You are worthy, you are a gift, you are His child before ours. We love you! Mama 

Open arms

OH, Lily Lou! Where I am failing you in letters, I am making up for it in paperwork to bring you home. We are tired and weary from all that's going on in our lives, but even with all the noise, distractions and work, we still make time to talk about you all day, to pray for you each night , and to love you every second.   You are already such a blessing. We are working on your room! I'm hoping to have it done soon! It seems like yesterday we were working on the same room to bring Joy home and it feels really weird to be adding another bed in there. When I step in the room to work, I remember the terrible feeling of Joy's absence as I prepared  for her. This time is a bit easier because now as I step in the room, although I feel your absence, I also know the feelings I will have once you're  home; Feelings of joy, relief, praise and the feeling of not remembering you didn't come from my belly. You will just be one of us. We have a lot of time lost to catch up on, but we spend every day together, so maybe we can catch up quickly . We watch your videos over and over and dream about the day our arms are around you. We are all coming to China for you! Anna, Ezra, Eli, Joy, Mama,and Baba are all flying halfway around the world to see the hotel door open and you walk right into our hearts. Oh, what a moment that will be! It will probably be really hard for you. We know that you are leaving everything behind to go with strangers. You've had the same foster family since age 2... We know this will take time. Our love for you will be immediate and unconditional, but we all understand that your love will probably take time. We have time... We can wait. At this point, God must really think that we are patient and can handle things or He may think we are very impatient and need the practice. I haven't decided yet which it is. All I know is that we love you and welcome you with open arms into our family. You are a miracle and are treasured. 

                                 Until we meet,

                                        Mommy 

P.s. I will call you XinLi until the day we part, if you want me to. :-) 

A beautiful mess

• http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2016/01/11/saying-yes-beautiful-mess/

Here is my recent article on saying "yes" to the beautiful mess called adoption. You might want to read this someday.  We love you, Lily, and pray for you every day! We can't wait until our arm are around you! There are many here who love you!!!!
                                                  - Mama