I dream of you...

It happened again. This was the moment I met you, in my dream. For some reason we were in the hotel lobby meeting and there were circular clothes racks. As soon as you saw me, you darted to the middle of the clothing. You were scared. You were deathly afraid of a man and woman, who looked totally different than your fellow Chinese villagers. You were so terrified of the language we were speaking in, while proclaiming adoration. You were terrified to leave the only family you've known since two. It was awful to leave your school and friends. It was so sad to leave your foster brother and sister. You couldn't imagine going to a country where they had nearly nothing of your foods you so love. The thought of all the familiar smells escaping and replaced with a smell of newness - horrific.

You came with nothing, but the clothes on your back. That meant you had to leave your favorite teddy bear that you snuggle with that has all your scents embedded into the fibers , your comfy jeans that fit just right and your one special dress that you felt like a queen while wearing.
You had to leave behind all the smells - your mom's perfume, your favorite smell of ham, baking in the oven, and the strong soy scent that lingers in the air. You had to leave all of your friends, you know, the ones you confide in to tell them how scared you are to come here. And you will leave your freedom. Yes, coming to America, and you will leave your freedom. You won't get to walk to the store alone, or down to the basketball courts. You won't get to walk to school, unassisted. You will leave everything you know it as yours and your way of doing things. My heart goes out to you.

You had to leave behind all your fears and lay them down. That's why you're my hero, you know. You only brought your bravery with you to head out with the new strangers that called you "nu er" (daughter) in their most broken Mandarin.

All of these things are conclusions that I've drawn from other children who've come home and talked about what they've left to gain so much. I don't know if you have a teddy or one special dress, but I know you are leaving a LOT.

Yesterday, we got word from our agency that your foster father, who is much older, passed away this week. So, now you will be grieving his loss and have to leave behind a foster mother who is alone and hurting. So much on your shoulders, Lily. He has been your dad for the last eight years. He is all you know as a father. The loss you've endured in your life is nothing less than tragic.

We we are praying you home as a family each day. We want you to flourish and be happy, find your purpose in life, come to know Jesus if you don't, and come to trust people that won't leave you - EVER.

You are our hero. We all agree on it.

Prayerfully,
Mama

We come bearing gifts - gold, frankincense and a wet brush

Waiting is hard. Waiting and knowing you're "thiiiiissss close" is even tougher! Tonight, while I should be sleeping, it is Tuesday at 1pm in China. We know the orphanage is going to your home "one day this week" to deliver your package and finish our update. How do I sleep, knowing that they could be showing you our family pictures any minute and clasping a special necklace around your neck? It's hard. Clasping that necklace is a mother's job. I should be doing that. Then in my selfishness I am reminded that you have a foster mother whose heart is probably being ripped out at the sight of our family. I am praying for peace for her. She can clasp it - she deserves it.

We have been trying to get a few things done off the list of things to do before we leave. Your sisters and brothers want to each have a gift for you, specifically from each individual child. So far, Anna, Ezra and Eli have some ideas, but Joy was SURE you needed a wet brush.

Yes. A wet brush.

How could I say "no" and taint that special gift from your sister? She wants your name on it as well. I think she adores your long hair and knows if her hair is a wreck to brush, that your beautifully thick hair will be even worse! Haha!!!!!
The other kids are really putting a lot of thought into this gift. I mean, it's a big deal - meeting your sister for the first time EVER? It's big.

I've been running through a crash course on my mandarin and I'm pretty sure I won't need to sentence "may I have a newspaper", but I am learning none-the-
less! Ha!!!

I am am also looking like crazy online for sardines in the Asian markets and your daddy brought home a ham to practice cooking.

No lie. A ham.

Because it's your favorite, we buy ham and practice cooking it. It's what we do as parents. When Anna was arriving, we tested out those strollers, grew fresh veggies and made baby food and made sure to wash your new clothing in dreft. Prepare - we had to prepare. Now we buy sardines, hams and yellow backpacks because yellow is your favorite. Oh, how times have changed.

We are preparing our home, hearts and family for you, Lily. Don't laugh at our Mandarin rubbish and please don't think we are crazy for bring wet brushes as gifts. I mean, Jesus was given myrrh- it could be worse.

❤️Mama

Well, here we go again!! Care package number 2

Today, I just had an breakdown. I am sick of tracking your package and refreshing my email to see if it has reached you. We hired one of my favorite companies to send you a care package. She has called the orphanage for us once and didn't even charge us, so we are so thankful for Ann. Ann works out of Guangzhou and has the business that does so much for families and waiting children. When there was a shortage of formula in many orphanages,  She donated. She sends things quite frequently from what I hear. She has this neat business that caters to many needs. She has things you can send your child such as snacks, quality tea and gifts to foster families and nannies, clothes, toys, pearls, jade, cakes for to celebrate a birthday or a family (!!!!!) and all kinds of jewelry for all kinds of budgets. When I saw this necklace, I knew it was the one . 

I wouldn't mind getting all of us girls one of these in Guangzhou. I know I'll revisit this photo many times just to imagine it hanging from your neck. It's perfect. 

Love. 

Love of a Father that you will be taught about,  love of a family, and love of FOREVER. 

We also sent 25 photos by email - Ann will have them printed and put them in this silk album. 

We also sent out a thorough letter that we sent in the package that never got to you. It tells about our daily life, special trips we take, what our trip will look like in China, and  how much we love you :-).  Three things in your new package. 

 

 Sigh.   

We sent you so much in that missing package, but for some reason I am so excited for you to get this necklace. In one of your photos, you are wearing a red thread necklace. I hope you feel like a queen when you clasp the chain of this special necklace. 

"Love". 

Such a simple word that we take for granted with each breath we take. 

We spoke with our agency this week. They followed up on your update. It's been two weeks since we sent our ten questions to China, requests for the photos and videos and measurements (even feet.. Because you need shoes).  I am totally thinking yellow converse Chucks :-).  The orphanage said that you lived in such a remote village, that they had to plan a day (and take a nurse to get a physical)  to go see you. They were planning on one day this week - and it isThursday  night here, Friday at lunch in China. So exciting! I am hoping we hear soon and I am praying for good answers on this update that shows me your heart is being prepared. Please, Lord, help my Lily!!!     

It is hard to concentrate on anything when half of your brain and your heart is in Zibo, China!  This shows exactly how you've stolen our hearts and we ache to feel close to you. I've had this on my phone for months and decided to check your Daddy's and he had it, too!!!! 😂😂

We imagine what we think you might be doing in the weather. How insane is this!?!?? 

We also have had the absolute hardest time buying you clothing. Of course you need winter clothes, but clothes to take to China is like daylight and dark, depending on which month we leave. Yes, I said "month."  We have a shot at leaving Sept 13 That is only four weeks and five days away (but who is counting, right? ) but if our paperwork even takes one day longer than it should, we probably won't be leaving then. Super tight race, but if we are meant to leave then, we will leave then. If we don't make it, two holidays mess everything up. Mid-Autumn Moon Festival and the National Week holiday shuts  things down and we can't go for several more weeks. The next time we could leave would be Oct 12. That's still so close ( 9 and a half weeks), but makes me sick that we would be sitting ready with all paperwork in and we  couldn't leave. Yuck! So, if we leave in September, you need summer clothes, if we leave in October, you will need long sleeve clothes. So, I fell in love with this dress and I bit the bullet and decided you could wear a cardigan (which we don't have yet) or maybe a blue jean jacket (that we Do have) . The knees of the leggings won me over and I just knew you had to have it. 

Oh, Man. Yellow converse won't go with that.. We have a problem. Lol! 

We are so excited to see you, whether it's four, short weeks or 9 of the longest weeks of my life. We have already started inventory of luggage, travel pillows and quick-dry clothing. (Since we have to hand wash in China and hang dry in humidity that's equal to home.) Taking so many of us, we will have a large "load" each night. I am NOT looking forward to that at ALL. All the wringing and scrubbing, while bent over a deep garden tub is less than luxurious, but I'm reminded that I will get plenty of rest once I'm dead. Haha  Today, we SERVE. :-).    Thank you, Jesus, for all of our blessings and for having complete control on how YOU want us to grow our family. 

We will meet soon, Lily Vanili!!!! 

Love, Mama 

P.s.   I know, right? Lily Vanili is the best 😂

珍惜女儿 treasured daughter

Wonderful adoption news always seems to come when we are at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital with your little sister. We first saw your photo there while we were inpatient with Joy's liver surgery.  Then, we got pre-approval to adopt you when we went back before Christmas for another surgery. Monday, while in the surgery center, we got news that our letter was issued for acceptance for us to adopt you!  What a wonderful thing to hear! We got this beautiful document scanned to us Tuesday and the hard copy will get here hopefully tomorrow.  It makes my shoulders release to hear the news.  Now we are getting travel emails and I am just staring at the letter and the screen on the travel. I mean, this is what we have waited on. Travel to you.. for so very long.  Our prayers are being answered and it is amazing!  All siblings are gearing up for you,  and Mama is getting a little nervous.  I am afraid Eli will wander off, Anna will be kidnapped, Ezra will be drowsy at night time (when we are out), Eli will starve, Joy will regress and be triggered by so much, you will grieve so hard, our rooms won't have a connecting door, kids will be restless on the 14 hour flight,  you will be frustrated by the language barrier and many other things I am sure will arise in my thoughts.  Then, I stop and think about why we chose the name "Lily" for you - Consider the lilies of the field, .................   He doesn't want us to worry. So, once again I get peace from such a special verse to me - one that spoke to me 8 months ago.  We just sent in our email to our case worker of our ten questions to ask you, your foster parents and your orphanage.  We hope to get these special answers back in a flash :)  Ha! that was a joke - everything is "hurry up and wait" in this adoption world  we are visiting.  We pray that you are being prepared for international adoption and that WE are growing in YOUR heart we want you to soon see our faces so that you can start to see us as your family. We love you and think of you every second of the day.  We pray for you together every single day. We hope to leave Oct 12 and get you on my birthday. 10 weeks from now we will be in China! We can't wait. We got our our luggage to inventory yesterday and will be taking inventory of travel clothes next. Yikes. This is getting real. I will be sitting on the couch and literally see you peek around the living room door frame with your smile. I had this vision of Joy when I looked into my backseat before she was home. Looking at her in that seat now is amazing. I can't wait to see you perk around the door way with your million dollar smile. You are worth every piece of paper we have filed and every dollar we have worked so hard for to get you gone. .. You're worth it and we haven't even met you. Imagine how loved you will be.  I'll tell you one thing for sure, you won't know that love until you have children of your own someday. Love you forever! 

                           Until we meet, 

                                  Mommy 

Forever and Always

Every day, The last few weeks, Joy has been asking to see your Daddy's wallet as soon as he walks in from work. We rarely have cash. I guess she thought Daddy got paid in cash every day. Each day she asked and we would giggle and show her an empty wallet until one day she said "but we HAVE to find money to get Lily!!!"  Oh, sweet sister is ready for you. She is ready to tell her "it's ok, Lily", while patting your back (her words) when we meet. We have explained that this might be very hard for you. Anna is in charge of fixing your hair (if you let her) and guiding play/keeping up UNO in China so we all can play. Ezra decided he would be over the balloons that we will play volleyball with in the hotel room (we have enough for two teams!). Eli will be over the bubbles. He wants to blow the first one! Mama will be the one slightly freaking out over FINALLY meeting my daughter after ten years, while grieving for your foster family who loved you and cared for you for 8 of those years. I will be utterly a wreck inside on that beautiful day we meet. We will grieve your losses as well as your foster parents' losses.  It will be a hard, beautiful day indeed. Daddy will be the one soaking it all in while having a pleasant smile on his face. He has stared at your photo so long. He cannot wait to wrap his arms around you. He found you and claimed you before he even showed me your photo. I have been preparing your bins of clothes and it's a hard task. We don't know how the weather will be since we will likely meet you in October, so for now, we are keeping the summer clothes and the winter ones out. I think we will get you here and decide what we need. I did this with Joy, but each day I wait on you, my vision of you gets bigger and bigger. You're the fastest growing gal on the planet - you are practically the Golly Green Giant!😁  The clothes I have, range from 10-14! I have no clue what size you are! Also, the idea of buying clothes for a tween, not knowing personality, is daunting. I am packing some cute Ruffles and some athletic clothes. You can choose and I promise, I will not be disappointed! I'm pretty sure your style is athletic because I know you like basketball and prefer playing with them boys. You enjoy running long distances and being active.  I still decided to buy you some girly, ruffly clothes because I know that Joy rarely got them and really liked to have them finally any day she wants to wear them. So, we will have both. We also just got you a shirt for adoption day if you like it. It sums up our feelings about you - you're in our family forever! 

As we are still waiting for LOA, we are praying continuously for some news this week. We are ready to get the final say from China and to hoping everything in our dossier was in perfect working order. On July 27th, it will be exactly 8 months since we saw your face and knew you were our daughter.  All the pain and stress is worth it to be your mama. 

                     We can't wait to meet you,

                                  Mommy 

So soon yet so far away

On day 7 of waiting for our dossier to be logged into the Chinese system, we got the call that it did!!! We are getting so close, yet so far away. We have taken great comfort in knowing it is always God's timing, not ours.  We think of you every place we go and pray for you every single day.  We have been busy preparing your siblings for the trip to China to get you. We have been over etiquette, how to treat you, how to walk down the streets, what to do/say when they are presented with a food they do not like, how to keep their belongings tidy in the room, how to help us wash clothes in a bathtub,   How to comfort you,  and how to travel on the trains, planes, and automobiles :-) (and boats!!! We will cover it all!) . It will all be interesting to say the least, but our main concern is you and your grieving. We want to comfort you and show you what our family is all about.  We are also praying that this trip isn't an emotional setback for Joy since she always seems to take two steps forward and one step back.  We are thinking about you, praying for you and preparing each other for the worst case of grieving.  It will be hard to watch because we will love you so much.  

I few nights ago,  I had the most amazing dream. I dreamt of you for a lengthy amount of time, I forgot many details after awaking a few hours, but I touched you and you felt real. You had such a gentle and sweet voice and I remember not getting too close so I wouldn't scare you. We were sitting on the bed playing Uno with the family in a hotel in China and right before I woke up I gently stroked your face. You were so real. It was just what I needed after a bout with some anxiety over your expected grieving.  My heart is so tender and although I've  been super strong this year (more than I ever could've been on my own)nothing hurts me more than to see someone else hurt. I feel all the feels. If you grieve, I will grieve. I am just blessed I will get to be the one to help you through it all. I am so thankful that I am your mama. Your package should be arriving any day now and I hope I get some photos of you receiving the package, complete with a photo book, a translated letter from us, pictures the kids drew you,  a purse, some candy, some hair pretties, bracelets, etc.   We hope you enjoy your box. Your yellow backpack came in today and we will bring it to China for you to use! We are getting the final things done and we will be there in no time. I am still wishfully thinking on making it mid- September, but if we come in October, we will likely get you on my birthday. It's God's timing. We are just doing what we can and handing it over to Him. Love you, Lily Lou! 

 

                                                                                            See you soon,
                                                                                                             Mommy

Your room!

We hope you like your new room! It was made with great love for you. I hope you let me lay in bed with you and stroke your hair. I hope you smile when I pray with you. We love you so much already! 

Love, 

Mommy