Well, here we go again!! Care package number 2

Today, I just had an breakdown. I am sick of tracking your package and refreshing my email to see if it has reached you. We hired one of my favorite companies to send you a care package. She has called the orphanage for us once and didn't even charge us, so we are so thankful for Ann. Ann works out of Guangzhou and has the business that does so much for families and waiting children. When there was a shortage of formula in many orphanages,  She donated. She sends things quite frequently from what I hear. She has this neat business that caters to many needs. She has things you can send your child such as snacks, quality tea and gifts to foster families and nannies, clothes, toys, pearls, jade, cakes for to celebrate a birthday or a family (!!!!!) and all kinds of jewelry for all kinds of budgets. When I saw this necklace, I knew it was the one . 

I wouldn't mind getting all of us girls one of these in Guangzhou. I know I'll revisit this photo many times just to imagine it hanging from your neck. It's perfect. 

Love. 

Love of a Father that you will be taught about,  love of a family, and love of FOREVER. 

We also sent 25 photos by email - Ann will have them printed and put them in this silk album. 

We also sent out a thorough letter that we sent in the package that never got to you. It tells about our daily life, special trips we take, what our trip will look like in China, and  how much we love you :-).  Three things in your new package. 

 

 Sigh.   

We sent you so much in that missing package, but for some reason I am so excited for you to get this necklace. In one of your photos, you are wearing a red thread necklace. I hope you feel like a queen when you clasp the chain of this special necklace. 

"Love". 

Such a simple word that we take for granted with each breath we take. 

We spoke with our agency this week. They followed up on your update. It's been two weeks since we sent our ten questions to China, requests for the photos and videos and measurements (even feet.. Because you need shoes).  I am totally thinking yellow converse Chucks :-).  The orphanage said that you lived in such a remote village, that they had to plan a day (and take a nurse to get a physical)  to go see you. They were planning on one day this week - and it isThursday  night here, Friday at lunch in China. So exciting! I am hoping we hear soon and I am praying for good answers on this update that shows me your heart is being prepared. Please, Lord, help my Lily!!!     

It is hard to concentrate on anything when half of your brain and your heart is in Zibo, China!  This shows exactly how you've stolen our hearts and we ache to feel close to you. I've had this on my phone for months and decided to check your Daddy's and he had it, too!!!! 😂😂

We imagine what we think you might be doing in the weather. How insane is this!?!?? 

We also have had the absolute hardest time buying you clothing. Of course you need winter clothes, but clothes to take to China is like daylight and dark, depending on which month we leave. Yes, I said "month."  We have a shot at leaving Sept 13 That is only four weeks and five days away (but who is counting, right? ) but if our paperwork even takes one day longer than it should, we probably won't be leaving then. Super tight race, but if we are meant to leave then, we will leave then. If we don't make it, two holidays mess everything up. Mid-Autumn Moon Festival and the National Week holiday shuts  things down and we can't go for several more weeks. The next time we could leave would be Oct 12. That's still so close ( 9 and a half weeks), but makes me sick that we would be sitting ready with all paperwork in and we  couldn't leave. Yuck! So, if we leave in September, you need summer clothes, if we leave in October, you will need long sleeve clothes. So, I fell in love with this dress and I bit the bullet and decided you could wear a cardigan (which we don't have yet) or maybe a blue jean jacket (that we Do have) . The knees of the leggings won me over and I just knew you had to have it. 

Oh, Man. Yellow converse won't go with that.. We have a problem. Lol! 

We are so excited to see you, whether it's four, short weeks or 9 of the longest weeks of my life. We have already started inventory of luggage, travel pillows and quick-dry clothing. (Since we have to hand wash in China and hang dry in humidity that's equal to home.) Taking so many of us, we will have a large "load" each night. I am NOT looking forward to that at ALL. All the wringing and scrubbing, while bent over a deep garden tub is less than luxurious, but I'm reminded that I will get plenty of rest once I'm dead. Haha  Today, we SERVE. :-).    Thank you, Jesus, for all of our blessings and for having complete control on how YOU want us to grow our family. 

We will meet soon, Lily Vanili!!!! 

Love, Mama 

P.s.   I know, right? Lily Vanili is the best 😂

珍惜女儿 treasured daughter

Wonderful adoption news always seems to come when we are at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital with your little sister. We first saw your photo there while we were inpatient with Joy's liver surgery.  Then, we got pre-approval to adopt you when we went back before Christmas for another surgery. Monday, while in the surgery center, we got news that our letter was issued for acceptance for us to adopt you!  What a wonderful thing to hear! We got this beautiful document scanned to us Tuesday and the hard copy will get here hopefully tomorrow.  It makes my shoulders release to hear the news.  Now we are getting travel emails and I am just staring at the letter and the screen on the travel. I mean, this is what we have waited on. Travel to you.. for so very long.  Our prayers are being answered and it is amazing!  All siblings are gearing up for you,  and Mama is getting a little nervous.  I am afraid Eli will wander off, Anna will be kidnapped, Ezra will be drowsy at night time (when we are out), Eli will starve, Joy will regress and be triggered by so much, you will grieve so hard, our rooms won't have a connecting door, kids will be restless on the 14 hour flight,  you will be frustrated by the language barrier and many other things I am sure will arise in my thoughts.  Then, I stop and think about why we chose the name "Lily" for you - Consider the lilies of the field, .................   He doesn't want us to worry. So, once again I get peace from such a special verse to me - one that spoke to me 8 months ago.  We just sent in our email to our case worker of our ten questions to ask you, your foster parents and your orphanage.  We hope to get these special answers back in a flash :)  Ha! that was a joke - everything is "hurry up and wait" in this adoption world  we are visiting.  We pray that you are being prepared for international adoption and that WE are growing in YOUR heart we want you to soon see our faces so that you can start to see us as your family. We love you and think of you every second of the day.  We pray for you together every single day. We hope to leave Oct 12 and get you on my birthday. 10 weeks from now we will be in China! We can't wait. We got our our luggage to inventory yesterday and will be taking inventory of travel clothes next. Yikes. This is getting real. I will be sitting on the couch and literally see you peek around the living room door frame with your smile. I had this vision of Joy when I looked into my backseat before she was home. Looking at her in that seat now is amazing. I can't wait to see you perk around the door way with your million dollar smile. You are worth every piece of paper we have filed and every dollar we have worked so hard for to get you gone. .. You're worth it and we haven't even met you. Imagine how loved you will be.  I'll tell you one thing for sure, you won't know that love until you have children of your own someday. Love you forever! 

                           Until we meet, 

                                  Mommy 

Forever and Always

Every day, The last few weeks, Joy has been asking to see your Daddy's wallet as soon as he walks in from work. We rarely have cash. I guess she thought Daddy got paid in cash every day. Each day she asked and we would giggle and show her an empty wallet until one day she said "but we HAVE to find money to get Lily!!!"  Oh, sweet sister is ready for you. She is ready to tell her "it's ok, Lily", while patting your back (her words) when we meet. We have explained that this might be very hard for you. Anna is in charge of fixing your hair (if you let her) and guiding play/keeping up UNO in China so we all can play. Ezra decided he would be over the balloons that we will play volleyball with in the hotel room (we have enough for two teams!). Eli will be over the bubbles. He wants to blow the first one! Mama will be the one slightly freaking out over FINALLY meeting my daughter after ten years, while grieving for your foster family who loved you and cared for you for 8 of those years. I will be utterly a wreck inside on that beautiful day we meet. We will grieve your losses as well as your foster parents' losses.  It will be a hard, beautiful day indeed. Daddy will be the one soaking it all in while having a pleasant smile on his face. He has stared at your photo so long. He cannot wait to wrap his arms around you. He found you and claimed you before he even showed me your photo. I have been preparing your bins of clothes and it's a hard task. We don't know how the weather will be since we will likely meet you in October, so for now, we are keeping the summer clothes and the winter ones out. I think we will get you here and decide what we need. I did this with Joy, but each day I wait on you, my vision of you gets bigger and bigger. You're the fastest growing gal on the planet - you are practically the Golly Green Giant!😁  The clothes I have, range from 10-14! I have no clue what size you are! Also, the idea of buying clothes for a tween, not knowing personality, is daunting. I am packing some cute Ruffles and some athletic clothes. You can choose and I promise, I will not be disappointed! I'm pretty sure your style is athletic because I know you like basketball and prefer playing with them boys. You enjoy running long distances and being active.  I still decided to buy you some girly, ruffly clothes because I know that Joy rarely got them and really liked to have them finally any day she wants to wear them. So, we will have both. We also just got you a shirt for adoption day if you like it. It sums up our feelings about you - you're in our family forever! 

As we are still waiting for LOA, we are praying continuously for some news this week. We are ready to get the final say from China and to hoping everything in our dossier was in perfect working order. On July 27th, it will be exactly 8 months since we saw your face and knew you were our daughter.  All the pain and stress is worth it to be your mama. 

                     We can't wait to meet you,

                                  Mommy 

So soon yet so far away

On day 7 of waiting for our dossier to be logged into the Chinese system, we got the call that it did!!! We are getting so close, yet so far away. We have taken great comfort in knowing it is always God's timing, not ours.  We think of you every place we go and pray for you every single day.  We have been busy preparing your siblings for the trip to China to get you. We have been over etiquette, how to treat you, how to walk down the streets, what to do/say when they are presented with a food they do not like, how to keep their belongings tidy in the room, how to help us wash clothes in a bathtub,   How to comfort you,  and how to travel on the trains, planes, and automobiles :-) (and boats!!! We will cover it all!) . It will all be interesting to say the least, but our main concern is you and your grieving. We want to comfort you and show you what our family is all about.  We are also praying that this trip isn't an emotional setback for Joy since she always seems to take two steps forward and one step back.  We are thinking about you, praying for you and preparing each other for the worst case of grieving.  It will be hard to watch because we will love you so much.  

I few nights ago,  I had the most amazing dream. I dreamt of you for a lengthy amount of time, I forgot many details after awaking a few hours, but I touched you and you felt real. You had such a gentle and sweet voice and I remember not getting too close so I wouldn't scare you. We were sitting on the bed playing Uno with the family in a hotel in China and right before I woke up I gently stroked your face. You were so real. It was just what I needed after a bout with some anxiety over your expected grieving.  My heart is so tender and although I've  been super strong this year (more than I ever could've been on my own)nothing hurts me more than to see someone else hurt. I feel all the feels. If you grieve, I will grieve. I am just blessed I will get to be the one to help you through it all. I am so thankful that I am your mama. Your package should be arriving any day now and I hope I get some photos of you receiving the package, complete with a photo book, a translated letter from us, pictures the kids drew you,  a purse, some candy, some hair pretties, bracelets, etc.   We hope you enjoy your box. Your yellow backpack came in today and we will bring it to China for you to use! We are getting the final things done and we will be there in no time. I am still wishfully thinking on making it mid- September, but if we come in October, we will likely get you on my birthday. It's God's timing. We are just doing what we can and handing it over to Him. Love you, Lily Lou! 

 

                                                                                            See you soon,
                                                                                                             Mommy

Your room!

We hope you like your new room! It was made with great love for you. I hope you let me lay in bed with you and stroke your hair. I hope you smile when I pray with you. We love you so much already! 

Love, 

Mommy

I wonder ..

I wonder if you are preparing your heart for "goodbye"?  Is it ripping your heart out? 

I wonder if you think about how weird our food will be?  Will you be open to try new things with excitement or angst?

I wonder if you have faith? Is it faith in Buddah or faith in Jesus? 

I wonder if your foster mom strokes your hair as she sits beside of you? 

Do you hope I will do the same? 

I wonder if you've ever swam?

Was it fun for you?

I wonder when your head meets your pillow, if your head wanders about life with us. Will you worry we will hit you?

I wonder if you are used to taking daily showers or you only have a quick once a week spray. How will this be different in American? Will you fight me on this?

I wonder if you've ever been showered with shown affection? Will a hug be so foreign that you push us away? Or accept it and feel a void filled if so? 

I wonder if you will know you're my baby?  Babies don't grow up to mothers. 

I wonder if we will have more dirty chopsticks in the dishwasher than forks? (Pretty close now😜)   

I wonder if the slow, country life will drive you crazy? Will you find peace in it?

I wonder if you will ache to go back to China? Will you love both countries and be content? 

I wonder if you think you're coming as a slave? Has someone told you that to scare you out of their jealously? 

I wonder if you will let Anna fix your long, beautiful hair as she's dreamt of doing for so long? Or you're such a tomboy you want no part in it? 

I wonder how you will feel when sent back to the orphanage a month before we arrive? Will they cut your hair? Will it give you peace that we are coming? Will it start your grieving without a mother's hand upon you? 

I wonder how you'll feel when you're delivered to our hotel room? Will you feel like an object dropped off on a doorstep? Or will you feel like a treasured daughter, who's the whole package, delivered to a mom, dad and siblings that have dreamt of holding you and playing together?

Time shall tell. We will get to ask you all of these things one day, but for the meantime, we have to swallow our pain, trust the Lord, pray a lot, and wait.  

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27:14 

我们爱你. We love you!

I find myself so content with this journey, having done it once and knowing each step that's approaching, but waiting on you is still excruciating at the least. I've found myself opening this blogger app to just sit and stare at a blank screen and cry. It's just such a hard journey. I've been trying to write this entry for weeks! 

A few weeks ago, Your Baba took the four kids on a guy's trip with his cousinand  sons to camp. I stayed behind to man the adoption auction we were having and to spring clean the entire house. When almost finished after staying up to sometimes 3am working for 3 days, I stood at my kitchen sink to grab a quick drink of water and something in me snapped. I'm not worthy of you.. Or Joy.. Or Anna.. Or Ezra .. Or Eli. How on earth and why did God bless me with you five, awesome children ? Why did God bless me with a husband that wouldn't bat an eye to take four kids camping? He packed Joy's medical supplies and didn't think twice. You have a great Baba waiting for you.  Standing at that sink, I wept and almost screamed at how wonderful God is:  then, I sat and calmly cried tears of grief for you. You will lose everything you know and love to come with us. You are my hero!  

We waited for three weeks to receive answers from you to some questions that we asked you. We finally received them Friday and, as a family, we were elated to get your answers! 

1. Your favorite color is yellow ✨💛✨

This is MY favorite color, too! What a happy color that truly describes what I hear is your personality - joy. 

2. What makes you smile? Traveling or visiting places. 🌴🏊

We love to travel and visit, so this was such a good thing to hear! You hopefully won't be as overwhelmed with going places like we are still preparing for. We can't wait to show you the ocean, creeks, lakes, mountains, museums, zoos, and waterparks. We can't wait to make up for such lost time. 

3. Foster brothers or sisters? You have a foster brother and a foster sister. You have  good friends and especially gets along with boys. 🤔.  

This sounds so wonderful, yet so heartbreaking. We were a bit nervous if you were an only child on how you would transition to such monkeys around here. It's good to know you know what having a brother and sister is like. On the other hand, I wept when I heard you had them because I know how much our children love their siblings and to potentially never see them again is a tragedy.  It's heartbreaking and sickening and I hate it. I've cried and cried knowing what grief your heart is already going through thinking about saying "goodbye". I especially loved the part about you loving to play with boys. When we look at your pictures with your limited information we have, we have created this picture of an athletic girl that isn't too frilly (this will be a first to me and I love this challenge and variety in children).  I secretly, so far, have shared this with Eli. He BEAMED with excitement and then told me everything he wants to play with you. You will be so close in age with Ezra (four months older than you) and I can see a wonderful friendship there. You both seem to have VERY similar qualities as one another. 

4. How do you feel about a family in America?  You know you are being adopted to America and have  mixed feelings because you love her foster family. 

This is a tough subject. While waiting on this update, Justin and I talked it over that if this update came back with the answer "she is excited" we would pretty much just rip this paper up. We would know that the orphanage was  lying  to us to make sure we came for you OR it would mean that you were in such a terrible home, that you would want to escape. In your file, it states how you are in an excellent home and they really care for you, so I felt pretty safe that it would've been an orphanange director lying if it came back positively. I loved it said that you are having mixed emotions. That is so healthy that you've attached to this family and love them. It also means that there is something inside of you that makes you happy about having a forever home. 

5. You are  on no medications and you are allergic to pollen. 😷. 

You're in good company with the pollen allergy. ;-) We know there are many unknowns with medical things in particular with adoption. We are prepared for anything, but so happy to hear you're not on any medicines. 

6. She accepts the name Lily XiLi 🌾

This made me cry. We were so conflicted at first to even give you a new name. You will have lost EVERYTHING so why change your name? The more we have read and educated ourselves, many older adoptees are embarrassed by their Chinese names when fitting in as an American. Many other adoptees wanted nothing to do with an American name, so they wanted to keep their Chinese name. So, we decided the safest bet was to give you both and let you decide what you wanted to be cald. We will see how that goes once you come home (as we will probably call you 'XinLi' while in China and slowly integrate Lily in the verbiage.   You will have a choice and you will decide - that's fair!  I was, however, elated that the name that was given to us so clearly as your name, has been accepted by you. It made us really proud that we chose a name for you that you liked.  We love your name and chose it with such a careful selection. It has a huge meaning and we love it's simplicity.

7. And last but not least... We asked you  what your   parents and brothers and sister could bring to you in China that would make you happy.   

You would like an iPad 😳

This is another tricky, tricky thing to explain to loved ones. Adoptive parents get it because most have been through this. We limit our kids screen time and settings are strict.  Your brothers and sisters cannot play anything until after school and only for a bit to unwind after the learning of the day.  We don't revolve our lives around electronics. We don't allow phones at the table - ANY table. When we eat at  a restaurant, we don't have our phones anywhere in sight. There is NOTHING more important at that time that the people gathered around that table. Our kids aren't old enough for phones, but we are training them for the future. We don't walk around carrying out phones and I've talked to them numerous times about other forms of ettuquette with electronics in public, such as talking on the phone in a store or such (they might miss an opportunity with others). So, we are very conflicted with electronics in our household. On the contrary, we are getting this iPad. Why? Because we have been educated on shutting down, over-stimulation and grieving in China. When times get rough there, we can pull out the iPad and let them escape for a moment. When we went to Nanyang SWI for your sister, we didn't carry any electronics - I don't even know if we had our phones. She was in such grief, reliving those days there, it would've been nice for her to have the ability to escape. It's totally out of our parenting ways, but parenting children from hard backgrounds is different at times. This is one of those times. As we transition home, we will teach other ways to cope, but it's a slow transition - slow is much better!!!! So, we are getting an iPad. It may be shared with the family, but we feel this is the right move to follow through with the one thing youve asked for. 

On April 30th, we got a huge surprise! Just when we were calm and not expecting an email, a very important one popped into our inbox. Our agency called us first and I missed the call because we were having school, then the email came into the inbox and I missed it as well. Finally I heard a text message and it was your Baba telling me to go check out your VIDEO. My heart flopped and flipped  and I started to shake. 

There you were.

Beautiful, shiny, healthy hair down to your bottom and the most beautiful smile that radiated from the inside. You were perfect. We watched that video on replay for a week. You are ours - we are so humbled. The kids screamed and jumped at a moving sight of you!!!

It's taken me since March 1 to finish this one post. I kept coming back to it and editing and then close it down. It wasn't because it was lengthy, it's just 

painful. I cannot explain the feeling of not having my daughter yet writing her. Hard times. 

In your video, you seemed to have been contest in your home with good surroundings. I have some peace deep within that you're being cared for well. I think it's a peace straight from Jesus. I don't know how I would handle knowing you were being neglected it abused. I'm thankful for this peace. We are working so hard to get to you. We just got our government approval to adopt you and we sent all of our documents off to Washington DC to be authenticated at the State Dept then Chinese Embassy. 

You are chosen treasured and loved from afar. You are our daughter, sister, granddaughter, cousin, niece, and  friend

Tomorrow the plan is to hang your artwork above your bed and your room will be finished! So, hopefully the next post is your finished room! We mailed you a box of goodies with a photo album and a two page letter. We didn't mail pics of your room - we want that to be a surprise!!!  

We are on track as of NOW for October, but we know anything can happen. We are trying our best , Lily! 

Wǒmen ài nǐ ( 我们爱你) ,

      Mommy