So soon yet so far away

On day 7 of waiting for our dossier to be logged into the Chinese system, we got the call that it did!!! We are getting so close, yet so far away. We have taken great comfort in knowing it is always God's timing, not ours.  We think of you every place we go and pray for you every single day.  We have been busy preparing your siblings for the trip to China to get you. We have been over etiquette, how to treat you, how to walk down the streets, what to do/say when they are presented with a food they do not like, how to keep their belongings tidy in the room, how to help us wash clothes in a bathtub,   How to comfort you,  and how to travel on the trains, planes, and automobiles :-) (and boats!!! We will cover it all!) . It will all be interesting to say the least, but our main concern is you and your grieving. We want to comfort you and show you what our family is all about.  We are also praying that this trip isn't an emotional setback for Joy since she always seems to take two steps forward and one step back.  We are thinking about you, praying for you and preparing each other for the worst case of grieving.  It will be hard to watch because we will love you so much.  

I few nights ago,  I had the most amazing dream. I dreamt of you for a lengthy amount of time, I forgot many details after awaking a few hours, but I touched you and you felt real. You had such a gentle and sweet voice and I remember not getting too close so I wouldn't scare you. We were sitting on the bed playing Uno with the family in a hotel in China and right before I woke up I gently stroked your face. You were so real. It was just what I needed after a bout with some anxiety over your expected grieving.  My heart is so tender and although I've  been super strong this year (more than I ever could've been on my own)nothing hurts me more than to see someone else hurt. I feel all the feels. If you grieve, I will grieve. I am just blessed I will get to be the one to help you through it all. I am so thankful that I am your mama. Your package should be arriving any day now and I hope I get some photos of you receiving the package, complete with a photo book, a translated letter from us, pictures the kids drew you,  a purse, some candy, some hair pretties, bracelets, etc.   We hope you enjoy your box. Your yellow backpack came in today and we will bring it to China for you to use! We are getting the final things done and we will be there in no time. I am still wishfully thinking on making it mid- September, but if we come in October, we will likely get you on my birthday. It's God's timing. We are just doing what we can and handing it over to Him. Love you, Lily Lou! 

 

                                                                                            See you soon,
                                                                                                             Mommy

Your room!

We hope you like your new room! It was made with great love for you. I hope you let me lay in bed with you and stroke your hair. I hope you smile when I pray with you. We love you so much already! 

Love, 

Mommy

I wonder ..

I wonder if you are preparing your heart for "goodbye"?  Is it ripping your heart out? 

I wonder if you think about how weird our food will be?  Will you be open to try new things with excitement or angst?

I wonder if you have faith? Is it faith in Buddah or faith in Jesus? 

I wonder if your foster mom strokes your hair as she sits beside of you? 

Do you hope I will do the same? 

I wonder if you've ever swam?

Was it fun for you?

I wonder when your head meets your pillow, if your head wanders about life with us. Will you worry we will hit you?

I wonder if you are used to taking daily showers or you only have a quick once a week spray. How will this be different in American? Will you fight me on this?

I wonder if you've ever been showered with shown affection? Will a hug be so foreign that you push us away? Or accept it and feel a void filled if so? 

I wonder if you will know you're my baby?  Babies don't grow up to mothers. 

I wonder if we will have more dirty chopsticks in the dishwasher than forks? (Pretty close now😜)   

I wonder if the slow, country life will drive you crazy? Will you find peace in it?

I wonder if you will ache to go back to China? Will you love both countries and be content? 

I wonder if you think you're coming as a slave? Has someone told you that to scare you out of their jealously? 

I wonder if you will let Anna fix your long, beautiful hair as she's dreamt of doing for so long? Or you're such a tomboy you want no part in it? 

I wonder how you will feel when sent back to the orphanage a month before we arrive? Will they cut your hair? Will it give you peace that we are coming? Will it start your grieving without a mother's hand upon you? 

I wonder how you'll feel when you're delivered to our hotel room? Will you feel like an object dropped off on a doorstep? Or will you feel like a treasured daughter, who's the whole package, delivered to a mom, dad and siblings that have dreamt of holding you and playing together?

Time shall tell. We will get to ask you all of these things one day, but for the meantime, we have to swallow our pain, trust the Lord, pray a lot, and wait.  

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27:14 

我们爱你. We love you!

I find myself so content with this journey, having done it once and knowing each step that's approaching, but waiting on you is still excruciating at the least. I've found myself opening this blogger app to just sit and stare at a blank screen and cry. It's just such a hard journey. I've been trying to write this entry for weeks! 

A few weeks ago, Your Baba took the four kids on a guy's trip with his cousinand  sons to camp. I stayed behind to man the adoption auction we were having and to spring clean the entire house. When almost finished after staying up to sometimes 3am working for 3 days, I stood at my kitchen sink to grab a quick drink of water and something in me snapped. I'm not worthy of you.. Or Joy.. Or Anna.. Or Ezra .. Or Eli. How on earth and why did God bless me with you five, awesome children ? Why did God bless me with a husband that wouldn't bat an eye to take four kids camping? He packed Joy's medical supplies and didn't think twice. You have a great Baba waiting for you.  Standing at that sink, I wept and almost screamed at how wonderful God is:  then, I sat and calmly cried tears of grief for you. You will lose everything you know and love to come with us. You are my hero!  

We waited for three weeks to receive answers from you to some questions that we asked you. We finally received them Friday and, as a family, we were elated to get your answers! 

1. Your favorite color is yellow ✨💛✨

This is MY favorite color, too! What a happy color that truly describes what I hear is your personality - joy. 

2. What makes you smile? Traveling or visiting places. 🌴🏊

We love to travel and visit, so this was such a good thing to hear! You hopefully won't be as overwhelmed with going places like we are still preparing for. We can't wait to show you the ocean, creeks, lakes, mountains, museums, zoos, and waterparks. We can't wait to make up for such lost time. 

3. Foster brothers or sisters? You have a foster brother and a foster sister. You have  good friends and especially gets along with boys. 🤔.  

This sounds so wonderful, yet so heartbreaking. We were a bit nervous if you were an only child on how you would transition to such monkeys around here. It's good to know you know what having a brother and sister is like. On the other hand, I wept when I heard you had them because I know how much our children love their siblings and to potentially never see them again is a tragedy.  It's heartbreaking and sickening and I hate it. I've cried and cried knowing what grief your heart is already going through thinking about saying "goodbye". I especially loved the part about you loving to play with boys. When we look at your pictures with your limited information we have, we have created this picture of an athletic girl that isn't too frilly (this will be a first to me and I love this challenge and variety in children).  I secretly, so far, have shared this with Eli. He BEAMED with excitement and then told me everything he wants to play with you. You will be so close in age with Ezra (four months older than you) and I can see a wonderful friendship there. You both seem to have VERY similar qualities as one another. 

4. How do you feel about a family in America?  You know you are being adopted to America and have  mixed feelings because you love her foster family. 

This is a tough subject. While waiting on this update, Justin and I talked it over that if this update came back with the answer "she is excited" we would pretty much just rip this paper up. We would know that the orphanage was  lying  to us to make sure we came for you OR it would mean that you were in such a terrible home, that you would want to escape. In your file, it states how you are in an excellent home and they really care for you, so I felt pretty safe that it would've been an orphanange director lying if it came back positively. I loved it said that you are having mixed emotions. That is so healthy that you've attached to this family and love them. It also means that there is something inside of you that makes you happy about having a forever home. 

5. You are  on no medications and you are allergic to pollen. 😷. 

You're in good company with the pollen allergy. ;-) We know there are many unknowns with medical things in particular with adoption. We are prepared for anything, but so happy to hear you're not on any medicines. 

6. She accepts the name Lily XiLi 🌾

This made me cry. We were so conflicted at first to even give you a new name. You will have lost EVERYTHING so why change your name? The more we have read and educated ourselves, many older adoptees are embarrassed by their Chinese names when fitting in as an American. Many other adoptees wanted nothing to do with an American name, so they wanted to keep their Chinese name. So, we decided the safest bet was to give you both and let you decide what you wanted to be cald. We will see how that goes once you come home (as we will probably call you 'XinLi' while in China and slowly integrate Lily in the verbiage.   You will have a choice and you will decide - that's fair!  I was, however, elated that the name that was given to us so clearly as your name, has been accepted by you. It made us really proud that we chose a name for you that you liked.  We love your name and chose it with such a careful selection. It has a huge meaning and we love it's simplicity.

7. And last but not least... We asked you  what your   parents and brothers and sister could bring to you in China that would make you happy.   

You would like an iPad 😳

This is another tricky, tricky thing to explain to loved ones. Adoptive parents get it because most have been through this. We limit our kids screen time and settings are strict.  Your brothers and sisters cannot play anything until after school and only for a bit to unwind after the learning of the day.  We don't revolve our lives around electronics. We don't allow phones at the table - ANY table. When we eat at  a restaurant, we don't have our phones anywhere in sight. There is NOTHING more important at that time that the people gathered around that table. Our kids aren't old enough for phones, but we are training them for the future. We don't walk around carrying out phones and I've talked to them numerous times about other forms of ettuquette with electronics in public, such as talking on the phone in a store or such (they might miss an opportunity with others). So, we are very conflicted with electronics in our household. On the contrary, we are getting this iPad. Why? Because we have been educated on shutting down, over-stimulation and grieving in China. When times get rough there, we can pull out the iPad and let them escape for a moment. When we went to Nanyang SWI for your sister, we didn't carry any electronics - I don't even know if we had our phones. She was in such grief, reliving those days there, it would've been nice for her to have the ability to escape. It's totally out of our parenting ways, but parenting children from hard backgrounds is different at times. This is one of those times. As we transition home, we will teach other ways to cope, but it's a slow transition - slow is much better!!!! So, we are getting an iPad. It may be shared with the family, but we feel this is the right move to follow through with the one thing youve asked for. 

On April 30th, we got a huge surprise! Just when we were calm and not expecting an email, a very important one popped into our inbox. Our agency called us first and I missed the call because we were having school, then the email came into the inbox and I missed it as well. Finally I heard a text message and it was your Baba telling me to go check out your VIDEO. My heart flopped and flipped  and I started to shake. 

There you were.

Beautiful, shiny, healthy hair down to your bottom and the most beautiful smile that radiated from the inside. You were perfect. We watched that video on replay for a week. You are ours - we are so humbled. The kids screamed and jumped at a moving sight of you!!!

It's taken me since March 1 to finish this one post. I kept coming back to it and editing and then close it down. It wasn't because it was lengthy, it's just 

painful. I cannot explain the feeling of not having my daughter yet writing her. Hard times. 

In your video, you seemed to have been contest in your home with good surroundings. I have some peace deep within that you're being cared for well. I think it's a peace straight from Jesus. I don't know how I would handle knowing you were being neglected it abused. I'm thankful for this peace. We are working so hard to get to you. We just got our government approval to adopt you and we sent all of our documents off to Washington DC to be authenticated at the State Dept then Chinese Embassy. 

You are chosen treasured and loved from afar. You are our daughter, sister, granddaughter, cousin, niece, and  friend

Tomorrow the plan is to hang your artwork above your bed and your room will be finished! So, hopefully the next post is your finished room! We mailed you a box of goodies with a photo album and a two page letter. We didn't mail pics of your room - we want that to be a surprise!!!  

We are on track as of NOW for October, but we know anything can happen. We are trying our best , Lily! 

Wǒmen ài nǐ ( 我们爱你) ,

      Mommy 

                                  

The big double digits!

On  the night you were born,

The moon smiled with such wonder,

That the stars peeked in to see you.

And the night wind whispered 

"life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you, ever, in the world. 

For never before in a story or rhyme 

(Not even in a once upon a time)

Has the world ever known a you, my friend.

And it never will, not ever again.

Heaven blew every trumpet

And played every horn 

 On the wonderful, marvelous night you were born. -Nancy Tilman

10 years ago today was such a marvelous night that you came into the world, Lily. You will bring such love and wonder into our family. Come home, sweet girl,and we will celebrate each day! Happy Birthday to our daughter- YOU! 

You think I am a day late, but just after midnight happened to be my late bedtime tonight after a busy day! I thought of you all day today! We hope that you know how wonderful you are. I hope you foster family tells you how special you are each day! Happy ten years, Lily. I grieve not having you each day of your life and missing your "firsts", but we will celebrate all of your firsts that you have with us. We might even have to make up some silly firsts! Personally, I'm ready for our first HUG. 

                 Until we meet,

                       Mama 

You are worthy

You may have a Mama who will fail...a lot, but you have the best siblings and Baba waiting for you. Today, during writing time at school, Eli wanted to write about his dreaming of seeing you in China and wrapping his arms around you, but he said he just didn't have the words yet. :-).  Eli has a HUGE heart. In the last 6 months, he has blossomed into a totally different child; Attentive, dedicated, driven and supportive. He talked to me at length today about no matter how hard you would grieve, that he knew you would learn to like us because God sent us you.  What poetic words from a 7 year old boy. He isn't an ordinary boy - not at all!  He is a boy that won't do big things someday, he wants to do them NOW.  He aches for children without families, grown men without homes and lonely people living in nursing homes. Eli never forgets to pray, never leaves anyone out during play and always puts himself before others. He wants to adopt "when he is 16". :-)

Ezra is a compassionate brother with a soft heart, too. He has a gentle spirit with  a playful heart. He finds such joy in the small things, such as flying kites, jumping on the trampoline in the rain, shooting BB guns, and riding bikes. He loves big and is very loyal. He is the young boy who holds the door open while every person leaves the theatre.  He is the person who is quiet and a good listener. Ezra will protect you from anything he can. He is an awesome big brother! 

Anna is an old soul. She was 30 when she was only 3.  She never danced to silly songs at preschool, because she didn't like the attention it drew. She will stick by a siblings side in disparity, no matter the consequences. She smiles almost constantly, yet shuts down for photos. Photos are no good in her eyes. :-) 

She has an humble heart - one of the most humble that I've ever met in my life. She gave her life to Christ in August of 2015. She is unique. Anna doesn't care what is popular or what everyone else likes. She will like what she likes and show it proudly. She is my sweet little friend. 

Joy. Oh, little Joy. How she smiles and laughs and smirks and plays all day. I have to force tat child to learn her letters and make her stop learning her numbers.  She is her own person. Joy is dramatic and lively to say the least. She is the strongest person that I know. She is also my hero. I've never in my life used this word lightly, but she deserves the title. She has been through hell and back and still knows how to love, forgive and pull herself back up again. She is tough as nails. I wouldn't be surprised to hear  that Chuck Norris was her bio father. :-)  Joy knows Jesus' love even when she has been in more trenches than anyone that I know. She is bright, smart and her light shines. She saves gifts for you daily (some I have to sneak out of the drawer because they are perishable items.) She understands your pain, Lily. 

I look forward to the day that I can write about your heart. I can't wait to know your quirks, talents, passions and personality. You are a treasure, Lily XinLi, and you'll never forget that once you are home. You are worthy, you are a gift, you are His child before ours. We love you! Mama 

Open arms

OH, Lily Lou! Where I am failing you in letters, I am making up for it in paperwork to bring you home. We are tired and weary from all that's going on in our lives, but even with all the noise, distractions and work, we still make time to talk about you all day, to pray for you each night , and to love you every second.   You are already such a blessing. We are working on your room! I'm hoping to have it done soon! It seems like yesterday we were working on the same room to bring Joy home and it feels really weird to be adding another bed in there. When I step in the room to work, I remember the terrible feeling of Joy's absence as I prepared  for her. This time is a bit easier because now as I step in the room, although I feel your absence, I also know the feelings I will have once you're  home; Feelings of joy, relief, praise and the feeling of not remembering you didn't come from my belly. You will just be one of us. We have a lot of time lost to catch up on, but we spend every day together, so maybe we can catch up quickly . We watch your videos over and over and dream about the day our arms are around you. We are all coming to China for you! Anna, Ezra, Eli, Joy, Mama,and Baba are all flying halfway around the world to see the hotel door open and you walk right into our hearts. Oh, what a moment that will be! It will probably be really hard for you. We know that you are leaving everything behind to go with strangers. You've had the same foster family since age 2... We know this will take time. Our love for you will be immediate and unconditional, but we all understand that your love will probably take time. We have time... We can wait. At this point, God must really think that we are patient and can handle things or He may think we are very impatient and need the practice. I haven't decided yet which it is. All I know is that we love you and welcome you with open arms into our family. You are a miracle and are treasured. 

                                 Until we meet,

                                        Mommy 

P.s. I will call you XinLi until the day we part, if you want me to. :-)