So soon yet so far away

On day 7 of waiting for our dossier to be logged into the Chinese system, we got the call that it did!!! We are getting so close, yet so far away. We have taken great comfort in knowing it is always God's timing, not ours.  We think of you every place we go and pray for you every single day.  We have been busy preparing your siblings for the trip to China to get you. We have been over etiquette, how to treat you, how to walk down the streets, what to do/say when they are presented with a food they do not like, how to keep their belongings tidy in the room, how to help us wash clothes in a bathtub,   How to comfort you,  and how to travel on the trains, planes, and automobiles :-) (and boats!!! We will cover it all!) . It will all be interesting to say the least, but our main concern is you and your grieving. We want to comfort you and show you what our family is all about.  We are also praying that this trip isn't an emotional setback for Joy since she always seems to take two steps forward and one step back.  We are thinking about you, praying for you and preparing each other for the worst case of grieving.  It will be hard to watch because we will love you so much.  

I few nights ago,  I had the most amazing dream. I dreamt of you for a lengthy amount of time, I forgot many details after awaking a few hours, but I touched you and you felt real. You had such a gentle and sweet voice and I remember not getting too close so I wouldn't scare you. We were sitting on the bed playing Uno with the family in a hotel in China and right before I woke up I gently stroked your face. You were so real. It was just what I needed after a bout with some anxiety over your expected grieving.  My heart is so tender and although I've  been super strong this year (more than I ever could've been on my own)nothing hurts me more than to see someone else hurt. I feel all the feels. If you grieve, I will grieve. I am just blessed I will get to be the one to help you through it all. I am so thankful that I am your mama. Your package should be arriving any day now and I hope I get some photos of you receiving the package, complete with a photo book, a translated letter from us, pictures the kids drew you,  a purse, some candy, some hair pretties, bracelets, etc.   We hope you enjoy your box. Your yellow backpack came in today and we will bring it to China for you to use! We are getting the final things done and we will be there in no time. I am still wishfully thinking on making it mid- September, but if we come in October, we will likely get you on my birthday. It's God's timing. We are just doing what we can and handing it over to Him. Love you, Lily Lou! 

 

                                                                                            See you soon,
                                                                                                             Mommy

Your room!

We hope you like your new room! It was made with great love for you. I hope you let me lay in bed with you and stroke your hair. I hope you smile when I pray with you. We love you so much already! 

Love, 

Mommy

I wonder ..

I wonder if you are preparing your heart for "goodbye"?  Is it ripping your heart out? 

I wonder if you think about how weird our food will be?  Will you be open to try new things with excitement or angst?

I wonder if you have faith? Is it faith in Buddah or faith in Jesus? 

I wonder if your foster mom strokes your hair as she sits beside of you? 

Do you hope I will do the same? 

I wonder if you've ever swam?

Was it fun for you?

I wonder when your head meets your pillow, if your head wanders about life with us. Will you worry we will hit you?

I wonder if you are used to taking daily showers or you only have a quick once a week spray. How will this be different in American? Will you fight me on this?

I wonder if you've ever been showered with shown affection? Will a hug be so foreign that you push us away? Or accept it and feel a void filled if so? 

I wonder if you will know you're my baby?  Babies don't grow up to mothers. 

I wonder if we will have more dirty chopsticks in the dishwasher than forks? (Pretty close now😜)   

I wonder if the slow, country life will drive you crazy? Will you find peace in it?

I wonder if you will ache to go back to China? Will you love both countries and be content? 

I wonder if you think you're coming as a slave? Has someone told you that to scare you out of their jealously? 

I wonder if you will let Anna fix your long, beautiful hair as she's dreamt of doing for so long? Or you're such a tomboy you want no part in it? 

I wonder how you will feel when sent back to the orphanage a month before we arrive? Will they cut your hair? Will it give you peace that we are coming? Will it start your grieving without a mother's hand upon you? 

I wonder how you'll feel when you're delivered to our hotel room? Will you feel like an object dropped off on a doorstep? Or will you feel like a treasured daughter, who's the whole package, delivered to a mom, dad and siblings that have dreamt of holding you and playing together?

Time shall tell. We will get to ask you all of these things one day, but for the meantime, we have to swallow our pain, trust the Lord, pray a lot, and wait.  

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27:14