Our last letter to you

Well, the letters may end, but you will always be in our hearts as a family. You are a blessed little girl that has people on both sides of the world fighting for what's best for you. Today, is the end. Our agency has worked tirelessly and US government did as well. In the end, it came down to the orphanage to make the decision and they made it. They would not remove you from the home. God made it clear to us that you were not the child that needed us, but there is a child out there who does. Millions of broken children who need the love of a family - just waiting. Our love for you is apparent because we grieved this week like I've never had to grieve. I screamed, hyperventilated and cried for days. It was never about us. This adoption was always about you. We mourned for your say.. and you never got it. Love isn't selfish and we wouldn't partake in a custody battle - that would defeat the whole purpose of our adoption. We made it clear to the agency that they would have to make the call because we would never abandon you. Ever. So, today is a new day. We are healthy and trusting God's plan. We will always ache for you. You grew in our hearts for 10 months. It's like a preganacy that was overdue. You're gone, but never forgotten. we wish you the best. We never asked God"why" and we won't. Maybe our purpose was to be able to comfort others,such as Nancy did with me on the phone. After that call from a mother that went through this, clarity came. So, now the story is continuing, but this chapter is closed. We have a rainbow child out there that will appear after the storm. My biggest wish is to maybe meet you one day in heaven. I will pray that Christ makes a presence in your life and I get to be with you someday. I love you, Lily. Your name was based off of our worries and when we found your name, our worries about your adoption melted away. You grew our trust in the Lord. We smile when we think of how you changed us. You did much more for us than we ever knew possible. We grieved and fought and grieved and fought some more. Consider the lilies.... trust... always. I will trust that He walks with you in your life. We love you and hope you are a treasured daughter in China.

Love,
Your biggest prayer warrior

Reassurance

On Tuesday , we heard some disturbing news that you may not know you are being adopted. Then, we got another report that says you do. So, we aren't sure, but we will know when we get you! That was Tuesday and Tuesday was a hard day. Tuesday tried to steal our joy, but God showed out in an amazing way.

When we got our first update in March, we immediately asked what name you went by. They told us you went by Xin Li (which means new beauty) or Xiao Li, which Xiao means little and Li means beauty. So, we just call you XinLi or Lily,as a family. We planned on calling you by your given name for a few days upon our meeting you and gradually we will work our way to Lily. So, Tuesday night we heard that you actually are called "LiLi". We couldn't believe it. Pronounced "Lee Lee", it is so close to "Lily". This was definitely not a coincidence as God so clearly laid "Lily" on my heart. He basically chose this name for you. Of course, He knew all along!!!! Finding out about your nickname made all my anxiety melt.

You're ours. He knows.

He has us in the palm of His hands. Thanks to God for reassuring us, when He shouldn't have to reassure.
What a precious name. ....LiLi.

We love you and are daily praying for you as a family. May your heart be accepting and may we be able to keep in touch with your foster family of eight years - the only family you've ever known. We have also heard that they love you fiercely and are having a hard time coming to grips that they will have to say "goodbye" to you. It hurts me so deeply, but makes me so happy that you are already a treasured daughter, even if not legally. They love you and we are so blessed for that!!!

We will be leaving for China in 18 days and we will meet you 24. Unreal. We are so close to having you forever!

Until we meet,
Mama

Fish and seaweed and eel - OH, my.

We had a fantastic field trip at Cheekwood in Nashville Wednesday at the homeschool day.

We played in a waterfall, toured the former home, visited the art gallery, played in the awesome playground castle, learned about snakes, saw the most beautiful flowers, and ate hotdogs picnic style on the green grass with friends we ran into - what a surprise!!! :-).

After Cheekwood, we decided to go to the Asian market to help Joy have a taste of China and to pick you up a few staples to have around the house. Joy was LOVING this trip.

She picked seaweed chips, rice crackers, rice cookies, bamboo, canned sugar cane, noodles, corn puffs (and they really taste just like corn.. I had those in China and was surprised at the taste), longyan fruit, more seaweed chips (tastes like rotting fish to me, YUCK), pocky sticks, haw hamburger (this name kills me. It's a fruit cookie) and more and more. We then headed over to the FISH.

We wanted to get you a start on some canned fish.
We heard you like the fish and anything spicy, so of course we bought the spicy fish!

Meilin and Samantha told us eel would be popular, so we bought some of that, too.

GULP.

Joy would literally squeal when she saw something she had eaten before in China. She was a happy girl!
We Loved the fresh produce and now that I know this produce is safe, we will mainly go for it next time!

The seafood and fresh fish were a hit with the kids!

Thank goodness Joy didn't choose the preserved duck eggs, whole octopus or the instant jellyfish.
We are trying out VERY best to help Joy be surrounded by Chinese adoptees and to bring some comforts from her former homeland to help in this transition. We will do the very same for you. The other kids love learning about where their sisters came from. We are gearing up for Mid-Autumn moon festival soon. Hoping to go celebrate with other Chinese- Americans in Nashville, but it will be close to our travel date, so we will have to see how much we can get done before then. Our head is swirling with things to do before you get here.
We just want to drop everything and leave yesterday... Ha! we have decided to leave 4 weeks and three days from today! We are so excited and counting down the days- 37 to be exact until you're in our arms! We leave in 31 days!!! EEEEK!

We are ALMOST there,
Mama

Visas!!!!

FOUR little visas came in the mail this week to get ready to meet you!!!!!!!! We love you dearly, Lily!
All of our paperwork was picked up from the Consulate in Guangzhou today by our agency rep and overnighted to Beijing! We are now finally awaiting travel approval! When we get travel approval, we apply for our consulate appointment Ns depending when that is, is when we will leave. So close we are! After the CA is confirmed, we can book planes, trains and automobiles (and boats). Seriously, we will have a boat ride. Lol. We will be in taxis and I am hoping for a subway ride as well to seal the transportation deal. All that's left is a moped. 🤔
We are coming, Lily!!! We really are!!!

I dream of you...

It happened again. This was the moment I met you, in my dream. For some reason we were in the hotel lobby meeting and there were circular clothes racks. As soon as you saw me, you darted to the middle of the clothing. You were scared. You were deathly afraid of a man and woman, who looked totally different than your fellow Chinese villagers. You were so terrified of the language we were speaking in, while proclaiming adoration. You were terrified to leave the only family you've known since two. It was awful to leave your school and friends. It was so sad to leave your foster brother and sister. You couldn't imagine going to a country where they had nearly nothing of your foods you so love. The thought of all the familiar smells escaping and replaced with a smell of newness - horrific.

You came with nothing, but the clothes on your back. That meant you had to leave your favorite teddy bear that you snuggle with that has all your scents embedded into the fibers , your comfy jeans that fit just right and your one special dress that you felt like a queen while wearing.
You had to leave behind all the smells - your mom's perfume, your favorite smell of ham, baking in the oven, and the strong soy scent that lingers in the air. You had to leave all of your friends, you know, the ones you confide in to tell them how scared you are to come here. And you will leave your freedom. Yes, coming to America, and you will leave your freedom. You won't get to walk to the store alone, or down to the basketball courts. You won't get to walk to school, unassisted. You will leave everything you know it as yours and your way of doing things. My heart goes out to you.

You had to leave behind all your fears and lay them down. That's why you're my hero, you know. You only brought your bravery with you to head out with the new strangers that called you "nu er" (daughter) in their most broken Mandarin.

All of these things are conclusions that I've drawn from other children who've come home and talked about what they've left to gain so much. I don't know if you have a teddy or one special dress, but I know you are leaving a LOT.

Yesterday, we got word from our agency that your foster father, who is much older, passed away this week. So, now you will be grieving his loss and have to leave behind a foster mother who is alone and hurting. So much on your shoulders, Lily. He has been your dad for the last eight years. He is all you know as a father. The loss you've endured in your life is nothing less than tragic.

We we are praying you home as a family each day. We want you to flourish and be happy, find your purpose in life, come to know Jesus if you don't, and come to trust people that won't leave you - EVER.

You are our hero. We all agree on it.

Prayerfully,
Mama

We come bearing gifts - gold, frankincense and a wet brush

Waiting is hard. Waiting and knowing you're "thiiiiissss close" is even tougher! Tonight, while I should be sleeping, it is Tuesday at 1pm in China. We know the orphanage is going to your home "one day this week" to deliver your package and finish our update. How do I sleep, knowing that they could be showing you our family pictures any minute and clasping a special necklace around your neck? It's hard. Clasping that necklace is a mother's job. I should be doing that. Then in my selfishness I am reminded that you have a foster mother whose heart is probably being ripped out at the sight of our family. I am praying for peace for her. She can clasp it - she deserves it.

We have been trying to get a few things done off the list of things to do before we leave. Your sisters and brothers want to each have a gift for you, specifically from each individual child. So far, Anna, Ezra and Eli have some ideas, but Joy was SURE you needed a wet brush.

Yes. A wet brush.

How could I say "no" and taint that special gift from your sister? She wants your name on it as well. I think she adores your long hair and knows if her hair is a wreck to brush, that your beautifully thick hair will be even worse! Haha!!!!!
The other kids are really putting a lot of thought into this gift. I mean, it's a big deal - meeting your sister for the first time EVER? It's big.

I've been running through a crash course on my mandarin and I'm pretty sure I won't need to sentence "may I have a newspaper", but I am learning none-the-
less! Ha!!!

I am am also looking like crazy online for sardines in the Asian markets and your daddy brought home a ham to practice cooking.

No lie. A ham.

Because it's your favorite, we buy ham and practice cooking it. It's what we do as parents. When Anna was arriving, we tested out those strollers, grew fresh veggies and made baby food and made sure to wash your new clothing in dreft. Prepare - we had to prepare. Now we buy sardines, hams and yellow backpacks because yellow is your favorite. Oh, how times have changed.

We are preparing our home, hearts and family for you, Lily. Don't laugh at our Mandarin rubbish and please don't think we are crazy for bring wet brushes as gifts. I mean, Jesus was given myrrh- it could be worse.

❤️Mama

Well, here we go again!! Care package number 2

Today, I just had an breakdown. I am sick of tracking your package and refreshing my email to see if it has reached you. We hired one of my favorite companies to send you a care package. She has called the orphanage for us once and didn't even charge us, so we are so thankful for Ann. Ann works out of Guangzhou and has the business that does so much for families and waiting children. When there was a shortage of formula in many orphanages,  She donated. She sends things quite frequently from what I hear. She has this neat business that caters to many needs. She has things you can send your child such as snacks, quality tea and gifts to foster families and nannies, clothes, toys, pearls, jade, cakes for to celebrate a birthday or a family (!!!!!) and all kinds of jewelry for all kinds of budgets. When I saw this necklace, I knew it was the one . 

I wouldn't mind getting all of us girls one of these in Guangzhou. I know I'll revisit this photo many times just to imagine it hanging from your neck. It's perfect. 

Love. 

Love of a Father that you will be taught about,  love of a family, and love of FOREVER. 

We also sent 25 photos by email - Ann will have them printed and put them in this silk album. 

We also sent out a thorough letter that we sent in the package that never got to you. It tells about our daily life, special trips we take, what our trip will look like in China, and  how much we love you :-).  Three things in your new package. 

 

 Sigh.   

We sent you so much in that missing package, but for some reason I am so excited for you to get this necklace. In one of your photos, you are wearing a red thread necklace. I hope you feel like a queen when you clasp the chain of this special necklace. 

"Love". 

Such a simple word that we take for granted with each breath we take. 

We spoke with our agency this week. They followed up on your update. It's been two weeks since we sent our ten questions to China, requests for the photos and videos and measurements (even feet.. Because you need shoes).  I am totally thinking yellow converse Chucks :-).  The orphanage said that you lived in such a remote village, that they had to plan a day (and take a nurse to get a physical)  to go see you. They were planning on one day this week - and it isThursday  night here, Friday at lunch in China. So exciting! I am hoping we hear soon and I am praying for good answers on this update that shows me your heart is being prepared. Please, Lord, help my Lily!!!     

It is hard to concentrate on anything when half of your brain and your heart is in Zibo, China!  This shows exactly how you've stolen our hearts and we ache to feel close to you. I've had this on my phone for months and decided to check your Daddy's and he had it, too!!!! 😂😂

We imagine what we think you might be doing in the weather. How insane is this!?!?? 

We also have had the absolute hardest time buying you clothing. Of course you need winter clothes, but clothes to take to China is like daylight and dark, depending on which month we leave. Yes, I said "month."  We have a shot at leaving Sept 13 That is only four weeks and five days away (but who is counting, right? ) but if our paperwork even takes one day longer than it should, we probably won't be leaving then. Super tight race, but if we are meant to leave then, we will leave then. If we don't make it, two holidays mess everything up. Mid-Autumn Moon Festival and the National Week holiday shuts  things down and we can't go for several more weeks. The next time we could leave would be Oct 12. That's still so close ( 9 and a half weeks), but makes me sick that we would be sitting ready with all paperwork in and we  couldn't leave. Yuck! So, if we leave in September, you need summer clothes, if we leave in October, you will need long sleeve clothes. So, I fell in love with this dress and I bit the bullet and decided you could wear a cardigan (which we don't have yet) or maybe a blue jean jacket (that we Do have) . The knees of the leggings won me over and I just knew you had to have it. 

Oh, Man. Yellow converse won't go with that.. We have a problem. Lol! 

We are so excited to see you, whether it's four, short weeks or 9 of the longest weeks of my life. We have already started inventory of luggage, travel pillows and quick-dry clothing. (Since we have to hand wash in China and hang dry in humidity that's equal to home.) Taking so many of us, we will have a large "load" each night. I am NOT looking forward to that at ALL. All the wringing and scrubbing, while bent over a deep garden tub is less than luxurious, but I'm reminded that I will get plenty of rest once I'm dead. Haha  Today, we SERVE. :-).    Thank you, Jesus, for all of our blessings and for having complete control on how YOU want us to grow our family. 

We will meet soon, Lily Vanili!!!! 

Love, Mama 

P.s.   I know, right? Lily Vanili is the best 😂